Why do couples divorce? The typical statement I hear from couples who come to my office is, "I know there's a thousand reasons why couples divorce…." Actually, there are only four reasons why couples divorce, and all four of these reasons center around the way a couple handles conflict. Notice how I didn't say, how a couple manages to eliminate conflict, but rather, how a couple handles conflict.

Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship, and especially the relationship with your spouse. In fact, conflict is actually one way you draw closer to your spouse. It's a deeper level of communication. Conflict is not bad, it's how you handle, or cope with conflict, that makes the difference between a satisfied couple or a miserable couple.

Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley discovered, through one of the most comprehensive longitudinal research studies ever, that there are really only four reasons why couples divorce. They can predict with over 93% accuracy whether or not a couple will divorce simply by discovering how a couple copes with conflict (you can actually [1] take this test online right now).

Here are the four reasons why couples divorce:

1. Escalation: when you get into an argument things spiral out of control. People who escalate do a lot of yelling and screaming and will say hurtful things in the heat of battle that they can never take back (or do things they can never take back).



2. Avoidance: when conflict arises, this person flees the scene and avoids conflict like the plagues of Egypt. I'm an avoider and it's been difficult for me to learn how to engage in conflict and not run away. Avoidance is so unhealthy because nothing ever gets solved. I used to believe that avoidance was better and less "nasty" than escalation, until one day, I heard my wife say, "It's like the pain I feel in side will never end." Wow! That sounds pretty harsh if you ask me.



3. Dishonor: when conflict arises, these people get flat out ugly. They will say things like, "Why did I ever marry you? I hate you. You're so stupid, fat, ugly, dumb, etc." They basically take the position that they are better than their spouse.



4. Negative beliefs: these people can't take anything their spouse does as positive. No matter what their spouse does (especially when the intensions are good) this spouse takes it as negative. This is damaging because hope leaves the relationship for the affected spouse.

Can you see yourself or your spouse in any of these four risk factors for divorce? If so, then you'd better learn a new way to cope with conflict. Remember, it's not that conflict is bad, but rather how you handle conflict that makes the difference. If you can learn productive ways to handle conflict, then your relationships will be satisfying.

If you don't change these patterns of relating with each other, then your marriage will end in divorce. It's not complicated and I can say this with 93% authority. Your children, if you divorce, will be subjected to a myriad of difficulties:

[2] For example, studies have consistently shown that children raised outside marriage suffer disproportionately from physical and mental illness; are more likely to drop out of school, abuse drugs or alcohol, and engage in violence or suffer it in their homes; and are less likely to attend college. Child Trends, a nonpartisan research organization summed up the evidence in 2002: "Children in single-parent families, children born to unmarried mothers, and children in step-families or cohabiting relationships face higher risks of poor outcomes."

There's something I share with clients who are contemplating divorce, and I want you to know that I only share this with good intentions. I care deeply for marriages, families, and children. I don't want to see any family ravaged by divorce. When I'm meeting with a couple who's only problem is that they simply don't know how to get along properly (in other words there's no physical or sexual abuse going on in the home) I will look them straight in the eyes and say, "If you decide to divorce, that will be the most self-centered decision you will ever make, and it will truly hurt the lives of your children."

I will then follow this statement up with something like, "If your son or daughter were sitting with us now, and you asked him what he thought, or what her opinion was about the divorce, what would he (she) say?" Ten times out of ten the couples answer, "she would say no."

Divorce is a family decision and not a "grown-up" decision. Your children are just as impacted by the divorce as you are and their opinions should count. If your marriage is truly in crisis I have a retreat that is based on a wildly successful program that keeps couples together, no matter how stressed out they are! The [3] Marriage Restoration Retreat is a two-day marriage experience designed to eliminate divorce and increase marital satisfaction. You can not only survive but actually learn what it takes to thrive!

We also offer One-day Marriage Restoration Retreat Intensives designed for one couple and one licensed counselor or highly trained life coach. You can also specifically request to work with me (Michael Smalley). These are scheduled at your convenience and are available upon request. Please contact the Smalley Marriage and Family Center at (888) 5 EMBRACE for more information.

Find information on the retreats, speaking schedule and more at: www.crashintolove.com

© Copyright 2006 Smalley Relationship Center

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