One of the most powerful ways for you to gain control and harmony in your household is to create a family contract. What is a family contract you ask? It's not a legal document, per se, but it is a set of rules and guidelines that help govern your family so you can start enjoying each other instead of fighting each other.

A family contract replaces the guessing game when it comes to discipline. Parents often find themselves trying to come up with new and creative ways to punish their children when rules are broken; the family contract ends that way of life. The family contract also puts the ownership of discipline on the child's head and off of the parent. What?

One of the most powerful features of creating a family contract is that you sit down as a family and decide what the consequences of breaking the rules of the family are; in fact, the kids are the ones who are coming up with the consequences. The parents simply need to ask the question, "What do you think should be the consequence if you don't do your chores for the day" or "What should be the consequence of you dishonoring your sister or father?"

When you allow your child to come up with the consequence he will accept the consequence better, and then you can become his ally rather than his enemy.

The key features of a family contract
I usually recommend starting a family contract around age five. The contract at this age is typically simple, obey God, our parents, and be kind to people and things like you learn in Matthew 22:37-39.

Jesus replied, "'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (New Living Translation)

I always tell parents to have a single piece of paper when they hold their family meeting and to draw a line down the center of the paper. On the left side of the paper will be the expectations of the family. On the right side of the paper will be the consequences.

At this point it is important to establish the priorities of the family. What is most important to your family? Is it money? Is it cleaning? Is it possessions? Is it each other? Is it God?

For my family I want to make sure my children know that God is most important in our lives, then each other, then others, and then ourselves. So we start our family contract with honoring God and we explain what that means (I don't write that down on the contract, but my children know what it means). Then we have honoring others (this includes family and friends). Then we go to honoring themselves.

On the right side of the paper we write down what the consequences of breaking those expectations would be, and this is when you ask your children to seriously participate. The consequences should be the worst for breaking these first expectations.

After you've accomplished this, you move on to the chores and other unique things of your family contract, but remember, your family contract should never go over one page of an 8.5 by 11 sheet of paper. If it does, you've gone overboard. Also, your consequences should fit the expectation. If your child receives the exact same punishment for dishonoring God as he does for not doing his chores, then you've missed the point.

Family contracts, if given a chance, will increase the harmony in your home. I know, because they've worked for us.

For more information on family, parenting, and relationships please visit my website at www.crashintolove.com

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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