The question:

It appears that my spouse and me have been at each other for the last four and half years of our marriage. My spouse and I are both Christians and are in the ministry. However, we messed up in the beginning because we committed fornication and that forced us to get married earlier than we should have. It has been a problem ever since. I knew better but i just gave up hope during that season of my life. I don't know what to do. I stay because I have a daughter and we have a church. Do you have any advice?

The answer:

I'm actually writing a currently titled A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage. The concept of the book is personal responsibility and how this one love skill can change everything in your marriage—and for the better! The basic idea of personal responsibility is that we need to stop blaming our spouse for our hurting marriage. The more we focus on our spouse and what he or she is not doing, the worse our marriage will be.

I want to encourage you to take the focus off your husband and off the rough start of your marriage. You can't change anything about how you two got married, but you can make a choice to change how you are interacting with each other today. I'm thrilled you are staying in the marriage, even if you think it is only because of your daughter. That is the right decision. Trust me when I say that divorce is horribly worse than an unsatisfying marriage. The consequences for your daughter are not worth splitting up. Research is perfectly clear on this matter.

I hear you when you tell me your marriage got off to a rough start because you were having sex with each other before the wedding day. I'm not sure if you got pregnant before you got married, but if that is the case, then everything you are going through is normal. It is difficult to start a marriage under those circumstances. But now you are married and I challenge you to focus on the ways you can change.

You might be surprised how this impacts your marriage—besides—you can never lose when you do the right thing. The right thing is to focus on God and ask Him where you are weakest in the marriage and then to work on those areas.

If you'd like more information, please visit our websites at www.crashintolove.com or www.smalleymarriagecenter.com

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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