Now, when he or she is speaking, your mate is most likely going to pause, perhaps to gather his or her thoughts, perhaps just to take a breath, perhaps a momentary break before what your mate really wants to say is unveiled. But this seemingly simple pause could be a test. By pausing, your mate might be checking to see if you are truly listening. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that the pause is an invitation for you to speak. If you do, you're likely to derail your mate's train of conversation and, more importantly, his or her trust.

Every instance of discovery listening is a search for buried treasure, the secret truths that stand the chance of being exposed … if you will truly listen. What comes behind that "pause" may be the most important part of what your mate is trying to say. Do not undermine the discovery of this treasure by breaking in with your own statements.

Simply asking, if the pause continues too long, "Anything more?" is akin to saying, "Would you like anything else with your order?" or "Would you like fries with that?"

You may have to ask this question repeatedly before your mate repsonds, especially if the pause is because what come after the pause is uncomfortable to say. But restrain yourself; keep your response to those three little words, "Is there more?" You'll be surprised at how those three words can lead your mate to express feelings and needs, taking your relationship to the deepest level of intimacy.

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© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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