Once you understand what your mate is trying to say, but he or she still doesn't know how to use what he or she has said to help him or herself, you can ask leading questions for further discovery.

Asking the right questions at a nonthreatening time can lead your mate into deeper terrian of the heart and brain, just as asking the wrong question at a threatening time can derail the conversation and lead to immediate conflict. Remember that change will come only when your mate speaks and understands what he or she is expressing, not when you try and speak for the person or convince him or her. Your mate must come to his or her own conclusion and your gift of listening is a platform on which to exhibit feelings and needs-and to see them clearly. You can guide your mate, but you cannot decide for your mate.

Here are four invaluable lessons on asking your mate guiding questions:

1. When to ask. Ask the question after you've completed summarizing one of your mate's bite-sized statements. How will you know when you're finished summarizing? When you ask your mate, "Is there more?" he or she will say, "No, that's it. You've got it right."
2. How you ask. Before you begin asking questions, ask for persmission simply by asking, "May I ask you a question?" It's a small courtesy, but it can have enormous results. Asking questions can be irritating; it can be construed as an invasion of privacy. Allow your mate to have the right to say, "No, I'd rather you not ask a question now." More than likely, however, your mate will be thankful for your request and say, "Yes, please go ahead." If the answer is "Not now," however, heed the warning. Stop asking and keep listening.
3. Ask open questions. Avoid what I call dead-end questions that end with yes or no. Dead-end questions give the listener only two choices. To avoid these types of questions, begin with the words "what," "how," "when," or "where," as in "How do you feel?" "When did this begin?"
4. Avoid "Why" questions. Beginning a question with the word "why" can seem accusatory. "Why do you act like that?" "Why can't you …" "Why aren't you …?" Your mate will go on the defensive and your communication will shut down in a hurry.

Remember, always stick to your role as either speaker or listener. You can stop an argument your mate may be pushing you toward by showing that you will only be the clerk (the listener). If you stick to this role and avoid expressing your opinions, concerns, or expectations, your mate cannot escalate the argument.

Here is how it works:

Your mate: "You're always late and I'm sick of it!"
Your summary: "You want me to know you're more than upset; you've reached your limit with me?"
Your mate: "Yes, and I've had it!"
Your response: "Say more!"
Your mate: "Well, be on time for once."
Your summary: "You want me to be on time for once. Is there anything else bothering you about be being late?"
Your mate: "Yes, I work hard to be on time for you, but you don't seem to care about wasting my time."
Your summary: "So, when I am late, it makes you feel like I don't care enough about your to be on time?"
Your mate: "Yes! That's it!"

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© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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