1. Decide your roles. One person must be the listener and one must be the speaker. Whoever is the speaker has the floor without exception until he or she is finished stating feelings. When that speaker is finished, the roles will be switched, giving the other mate the floor. This way, you will both have your chance to speak. You both understand this in the beginning. So instead of fighting for the floor, you will start off with the unspoken agreement that you'll be sharing it as equals.

2. The listener must invite the "order." In the case of our misunderstood camper fiasco, Norma was the speaker and I drive-through, I would have initiated the order by starting off with, "OK, please tell me how you feel. I want to listen and understand." It's up to you to initiate drive-through by taking the listener position—and all you have to do is say, "Tell me how you feel." Be sincere—show your full attention, make eye contact, and try to make physical contact—by holding your mate's hand, or by touching his or her knee or shoulder.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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