"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Matthew 6:21

Over the years we have interviewed hundreds of wives and many of them communicated at least three areas that they desired their husbands change in before they will believe their husband's commitment:

• Careful Listening without Justification or Argument

It is often difficult for a man to converse with his wife without challenging the meaning of various words she uses to explain how she feels inside. If a husband can overlook the actual words his wife uses to express herself and instead, actively pursue what she means, fewer arguments will take place. One man I know finds it almost impossible to do this. When his wife says, "You never do this," or "Your always do that," he will inevitably say, "Now, dear, I don't always do that," or "Did I do it yesterday?" or he begins to analyze her statement to prove it false.

If we can stop justifying our actions and quit arguing about the words our wives use, we can get to the heart of the matter. We can try rephrasing our wives statements, "Is this what you were trying to say?" or "Is this what I'm hearing?" It is essential in communication to look past the surface words to the real meaning behind the words.

• Quickness to Admit Error

Countless wives and children have told me how their family relationships have been weakened because of a husband's or father's unwillingness to admit his errors. Though husbands sometimes think admission of errors reveals their weaknesses, the opposite is true.

A humble admission of wrong produces positive results. When a husband admits he has hurt his wife, she feels better just knowing he understands. Not only that, it demonstrates that he is a wise man because the Scriptures tell us that only the wise seek counsel.

• Patience When She is Reluctant to Believe You've Changed

What if you've been doing everything within your power to let your wife know she has first place in your life, and she still doesn't believe you've changed? Do you throw up your arms in disgust? Or do you gently persuade her over a period of time? Her initial respect for you wasn't lost overnight, and it can't be regained in a day. Show her that no matter how long it takes, you want to earn her respect.

Correction: The divorce rate is actually lower than what we had stated in our previous article, "The Three Kinds of Love."

A Gentle Answer Turns Away Wrath

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

No one likes to be criticized, regardless of how much truth lies behind the criticism. Whether we are male or female, six or sixty, when someone corrects us, we automatically become defensive. Yet honest communication is vital to marriage. These two basic truths appear contradictory. How do you honestly tell the one you love about something you find displeasing or aggravating without prompting that familiar, defensive glare or indifferent shrug?

The following four principles outline the indirect approach. This is especially beneficial for wives when they are wanting to comment on their husband's insensitivity.

1. Learn to express your feelings through three loving attitudes:
     a. Warmth is the friendly acceptance of a person. It's considering a person to be important enough to give your time and resources to—to share his concerns, not because he has earned it, but simply because he's a human being.
     b. Empathy is the ability to understand and identify with a person's feelings.
     c. Sincerity is showing a genuine concern for a person without changing your attitude toward him when circumstances change.
2. Learn to share your feelings without using "you" statements. For example, the statement, "You're never home on time" or "Can't you get up earlier and take care of the kids just once?" "You" statements usually cause a man to either dig in and fight or to promptly leave your presence without resolving the issue. Either way, it makes him more determined to have his own way.
3. When you've cooled off, replace the "you" statements with "I" messages. Instead of confronting your tardy husband as he walks through the door with,"You never come home on time," creatively share your feelings in a positive context. For example, "You know, there are some things you do that really make me feel loved and appreciated, like coming home for dinner on time or letting me know if you'll be late. Those are ways that you show your love for me. I really need that."
4. Abandon "I told you so" statements. Such statements can take many forms and should be eliminated completely. Her are some examples: "Just like I thought," "I knew it!" or "You never listen, do you?"

As you begin to apply some of these principles, you encounter a bit of frustration and failure, but don't give up. If you persist in developing and expressing these qualities, you will ultimately see those same qualities developed in your husband.

Four Ways to Protect Your Wife

"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." Ephesians 5:29

What are ways in which you can protect your wife and make her feel secure? Before a husband can begin to protect his wife, he needs to discover areas where his wife feels vulnerable. Through informal discussions and observation on your part, you can compile mental lists of the major and minor areas where she feels frustrated or fearful.

Driving a car is one of my wife's vulnerable areas. Because she was involved in a serious auto accident in which some good friends were killed, she is naturally very alert to any possible danger when she is driving or even riding in a car. Since I am aware of this fear, I am sensitive to her driving needs.

Here are some of the areas which I consider to be important in protecting your wives:

1. Her physical limits. Many times a man treats his wife too roughly. He is unaware that his wife's physical make-up keeps her from enjoying roughness even when being playful. This could include wrestling, being rowdy, or thinking that she is able to move around the same amount of weight that you can.
2. Financial pressures. A man also needs to protect his wife from unnecessary financial stress. Many wives endure a tremendous amount of pressure because of a husband's irresponsibility with finances. When a wife has to face angry bill collectors, juggle figures in a checkbook that won't balance, cope with mounting pressures resulting from insufficient money, and other financial pressures, the burden can become physically and emotionally too much for some wives.
3. Expecting her to do all the cooking. So many men treat their wives as objects to be used. They don't verbalize it, but they maintain the inward conviction that women should remain in the kitchen cooking and cleaning while they play golf, hunt, or watch the game on TV. We as men need to take a close look at our traditional roles and choose what is best based on genuine love and the commitment to cherish our mates.
4. The pressure of the children. My wife used to say how much she appreciated the times I took charge of the kids when I came home from work. She was grateful for the time alone. I would take them outside to play, into another room to read, or just talked to them about whatever topic they chose. Thoughtful, creative ideas on your part are worth much more than the time and energy they cost. They strengthen your marriage and lift your wife's spirit.

We as husbands need to be aware of the amount of stress our wives face daily. To aid your wife with stress, you must first be aware of the situations that cause her the most anxiety. Purpose to protect your wife in all areas where she feels fearful and vulnerable. That's the first way to show how much you cherish her.

** If you would like to improve communication skills with your spouse, take a look at our bookstore, located in this web site. There are several books and video in which to choose.

Five Vital Signs of a Healthy Marriage

"Love is an active power in man(kind) … Envy, jealousy, ambition, any kind of greed are passions; love is an action, the practice of a human power, which can be practised only in freedom and never as a result of a compulsion.—Erich Fromm

Are my relationships healthy? What does health mean in terms of a relationship? Here's what I'm learning about what's healthy. It's a relationship where each person feels valued, cared for, safe, and loved. In every relationship, especially marriage, there are at least five generally accepted indicators, or vital signs, of the health of that relationship.

Vital Sign 1: All Feel Safe to Think for Themselves. In any healthy relationship, people have the freedom to think for themselves. Think of a converse conversation. If a spouse says things like "That's a stupid idea!" or "Just do what I say and don't ask questions!" the mate soon learns that it's not safe to think for himself or herself.

In healthy relationships, we encourage others to think. We want our spouses to use their creativity and intelligence to complement our own. You learn to listen to your spouse's ideas about everything, but also to draw out their thinking as much as you can.

Vital Sign 2: All Are Encouraged to Talk and Know Their Words Will Be Valued. In a good relationship, you have not only the freedom to think, but you are also encouraged to talk, to express yourself. When you talk, the other—your spouse, parent, friend, boss, or whomever—listens with the attitude that what you are trying to express is greatly valued, even if the two of you disagree.

Vital Sign 3: All Enjoy a Sense of Safety and Value in Sharing Their Feelings. In a healthy relationship, you no only know your thinking and words will be valued, but you also have the freedom to share your feelings, knowing they will be respected. In an unhealthy situation, on the other hand, any attempt to share feelings may be met with a denigrating statement: "Oh, grow up!" "Lighten up!" or "Give me a break!"

How safe do you feel sharing your feelings with your spouse? The freedom to share feelings is one of the healthiest indicators of the health of a relationship.

Vital Sign 4: All Feel Meaningfully Connected. What are the best ways of knowing if you're "connected" to the ones you love? You're connected when you regularly share your deepest feelings with one another, when you're enthusiastic about seeing one another at the end of a long day, when you enjoy being together and doing things with one another. The opposite is a situation where a partner is either neglectful—perhaps a workaholic—or controlling.

Vital Sign 5: The Personal "Property Lines" of All Are Respected. Let me give you a word picture to illustrate the importance of this. One of the primary functions of physical skin is to protect the internal organs. If you cut it, disease and infection can get in and threaten the whole body. Now think of your mate's property line as a sort of skin around his or her personality and feelings. Violating it can cause a crack that lets in emotion infection, especially anger that threatens every area of a person's life.

** If you would like to improve communication skills with your spouse, take a look at our bookstore, located in this web site. There are several books and video in which to choose.

The man I was counseling seemed a little afraid. He needed to be a lot afraid. I told him so. Jerry had been deeply involved in building his own business through most of his three daughters' growing up. Now they are pulling away from him. He worked long hours, weekends, and rarely took vacations. Because of his strong personality, tenderness did not seem to be in his vocabulary. As a result, he had filled his daughters' hearts with anger.

As we work with couples and families, we've observed that anger has many tragic consequences in a marriage or family. Let's look at three of the most deadly.

1. Anger Creates Distance

Anger almost always creates an unhealthy distance. In Jerry's family his three daughters were slowly showing dad they don't feel safe around him. If you are married to an angry man or woman, he or she will try to create distance between you. You may want to get close, but the offended one will pull away. Angry people refuse closeness.

2. Anger Pushes Us Into Misery

Unresolved anger can rip away our perspective and throw us into chaos. We don't know where we are going. We can't think logically. We don't realize what we're doing to ourselves, and those we love. As we blindly lurch and stumble, our families become candidates for serious, possibly permanent, injuries of the heart. We've talked to so many people who, after years of going to church and counseling, have still not found peace. After hearing their story, the major reason for their failure is deep-seated anger. They are unwilling to forgive or seek forgiveness, and as a result, they hide secret caches of darkness in their lives-little toxic waste dumps seeping bitterness, gradually poisoning their home.

3. Anger Ties Us in Knots

Like few other emotions, anger restricts and binds us, tying us in internal knots. Forgiveness, on the other hand sets us free from those bonds, untying the knots that hold us captive. Much like rope tied around our feet or hands, anger hinders and hampers us. Children who grow up embittered and angry are handcuffed and hobbled, prevented from discovering their potential.

Here are five attitudes to Untie a Person's Anger Knots

1. Become soft and tender with the person.
2. Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured.
3. Admit the person has been wounded, and be sure to admit any wrong in provoking that hurt.
4. Seek forgiveness—and gently wait for a response.
5. Touch the person gently.

After many attempts to seek forgiveness and untie his daughters' knots, Jerry finally reconciled with his three daughters. Since our relationship time is so brief in life, let's not allow precious days and weeks and months to be shadowed by the bitterness and separation of unresolved anger. With God's help, let's take the initiative to untie the knots … while we still can.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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