Implementing Honor in Your Marriage

The best definition of honor that we've found involves two extremely important parts. First, honor is anytime we "confer distinctive value" upon someone. When a college bestows an honorary doctorate degree, the school is conferring distinction upon someone. When an audience applauds or an individual bows before someone, they are conferring distinction.

The second part of honor is deciding that your mate's opinions, concerns and expectations are just a little more valuable than your own. The highest level of love and maturity is when both husband and wife prefer the other's feelings and needs above his or her own. In other words, you choose to be a LUVR (Lover): With opinions, concerns and expectations, you decide to Listen, Understand, Value, and Resolve the arguments with win-win solutions.

Honor does not involve the belief that your opinions, concerns and desires are somehow superior to your partner's. Conveying a superior attitude is the biggest killer of marriage and produces the most frustration, hurt, and fear within marriage. Honor is a "lifting up," a holding up of your mate with reverence. It's the selfless process of proclamation: in honoring you are telling your mate that he or she is paramount in your life and his or her status in your hierarchy of values is above all petty arguments, disagreements, and opinions. Honor is permanent, unmovable and forever.

Honor is the most important skill you can master; the others can't and won't work without honor. One marriage expert, Dr. John Gottman, says that without honor, all the marriage skills one can learn won't work. Another expert, Dr. Scott Stanley, says that honor is the fuel that keeps the life long marriage loving and functioning. If honor is non-existent in one partner, there is a high probability that the marriage is over. But if only a spark of respect or adoration remains, the spark can be turned into a flame in a few days

The Decision To Honor Your Mate Involves Three Simple Steps

There are three steps to building honor in your relationship, erecting a firewall protecting you and your spouse from the storms that will certainly come along:

1. Raise the value of your mate as high as possible. In other words, decide how much a person is worth. First, confer valuable distinction upon your mate. Next, choose to highly value your mate just a little above yourself. Imagine that your mate's smile is God's autograph.
2. Increase the brightness of honor through observing your mate's best qualities. Then, make a list of all the positive characteristics and qualities of your mate. Your appreciation list will become points of value. The longer the list, the stronger the marriage.
3. Shine your mate's "light" for others to see by praising your mate to others, and giving gifts to express your delight.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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