Here's an example from two people we know using this method:

We're going to explain the conflict:

The conflict was Michael would use the ATM card and then not tell me about it until the end of the month. I keep the checkbook, so at the end of the month I would think we would have a certain amount, and it would always be less. I would always be off. It bothered me to be off. I'd find out later that he was just keeping the receipts in his wallet.

Anything you want to add to that? That's pretty much the conflict? So she understands the conflict?

OK, so it was $600 basically!

So it could be maybe $100 or $200 off each month?

Oh, gosh it was never that much. Only $20 or $30.

But still you wanted him to let you know that.

So Michael will first explain his feelings or his needs using the words "I feel" or "I need", and avoiding the word "you". Because "you" causes escalation or withdrawal.

I feel that the circumstances under which I would forget to give you the receipts or lose them was usually on a work-related thing. I feel I was under immense peer pressure to withdraw money from the cash machine. I would do that and then lose the receipts.

Gary—You see, the coach stops him because what he is doing is giving explanations to why he doesn't give his wife the receipts. What he needs to do is to tell us how he feels or what he needs.

Michael—I feel that it should not be that big of a deal to cause a major conflict over forgetting to give you a couple of receipts, as long as we can figure it out and it's not that …

Gary—Ok, the part about being a coach is that you need to say short things giving your mate enough time to repeat that.

Amy—So what you're saying is that you feel it is not a big deal if you forget the receipt.

Michael—No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is I feel it shouldn't be such a big deal, like such a fight or argument that it would hurt my feelings or that I'd feel like I'm being yelled at over forgetting to hand you a few receipts.

Gary—OK, before he says anything else … You're feelings are being hurt that she's making something big that you don't feel is big.

Michael—Well, as big as it's being made out to be.

Gary—OK, but you're being caught, and therefore you're feeling

Michael—Well, it's not that I don't mean to not give it to her, it's that I forget. Caught implies that I'm stealing.

Gary—But you're feeling hurt that she's really upset by it.

Michael—Yeah, really upset by it.

Amy—So you're saying that you feel very hurt when I get upset at you for forgetting the receipts knowing that you don't mean to do that.

Michael—Yes.

Gary—So he keeps going until he feels he's made known his feelings and needs. We're handing the feather to Amy. Now Amy is going to tell how she feels.

Amy—I feel like that if I am going to have the financial responsibilities of our family that I need to have everything in my hand—to have all the information in my hand. I feel that if you have receipts and other things that you not only don't tell me about them but you don't give them to me so I can write them down in our checkbook then it's of no use for you to even have the receipts to begin with.

Gary—As the coach, so what she did is use the word "you" several times. So, this is why it's not as easy as it appears. So, we're going to go back over on that. Make it shorter so he can repeat it, but just use your feelings. How does it make you feel when he doesn't remember and doesn't give you the receipts?

Amy—I feel we are neglecting our finances if we don't try to keep them in order every month.

Michael—I feel she's still using "you" but in a plural sense. I think what I hear you trying to say is you feel frustrated because you don't have all the tools to keep the finances up to exactly what they should be. You don't have the resources to know exactly what is in the bank.

Amy—That's right.

Gary—One feeling is frustration. What other feelings do you have?

Amy—That's about it.

Gary—Do you feel hurt, afraid, intimidated, irresponsible?

Amy—Yes, sometimes I do feel like I can't be responsible with our finances if I can't get everything.

Michael—What I hear you saying is that you feel irresponsible because you're not getting the right numbers. But it's not because of you, it's because you don't have these receipts.

Amy—I also, I know that it might be a big deal to most people, but I really would like to be able … it gives me great pleasure at the end of every month to be able to look at the bank statement and be able to figure it out and know that what I figured out at the end of the month is exactly what the bank had. That's real important to me.

Michael—I hear you saying that your whole identity as a person … no I'm kidding. I hear what you're saying is that it is very important for you to get your balance up with the bank's balance so you know you did the job right and not wrong. Kind of a competition, let's say.

Amy—Not necessarily a competition. I feel like when I get the bank statement and what I have and what the bank have if they don't match up pretty much, then I feel like I've failed at keeping the checkbook.

Michael—I hear you saying that you feel like you've failed if you numbers don't match up the bank's numbers.

Amy—Yes. That's right.

Michael—Do you think that I understand what you're saying?

Amy—Yes. I think he understands what I'm saying.

Gary—So you don't need to add anymore?

Amy—No.

Gary—OK, they don't need to add anymore. They both feel now that they understand each other. So to summarize this, she feels frustrated, irresponsible, like a failure. Those are deep emotions. Michael feels hurt that he didn't follow through on something to him that is not that big a deal.

Michael—I never said it wasn't a big deal. What I said was it was maybe too harsh towards me. Like too harsh of a sentence like I got caught stealing a cookie, but I got my head cut off. Something like that, literally.

Gary—could you rephrase the consequence. Like you feel you like you were stealing a cookie, but in real life what would it be you felt, because it wouldn't be your head cut off, would it? You felt like you actually got killed. Bit on your ear and hurt it?

Michael—No, again you're putting it in your own words. I feel it's pretty traumatic, close to a death sentence. I do.

Gary—That's the real thing? You've helped him feel this. Can you repeat that.

Amy—So you feel like I bite your head off.

Michael—No, I don't feel like you literally bite my head off. I feel though that I get a death sentence, like I'm doing a petty crime and I'm getting a major sentence for it. Not getting a just sentence. I'm being convicted for a felony, but it's just a little misdemeanor, a little traffic ticket.

Gary—OK, do you both feel like you understand each other? They both feel like they understand each other. What we will do is we're going to toss helium-filled balloons up to the ceiling. Each balloon is going to represent a creative idea that is not going to be evaluated. The idea isn't going to be evaluated. It's not right or wrong. Then when we get all the balloons up in the ceiling, they will pick one of those balloons that they feel is the best solution. So, as you go we'll throw them up. Any idea, the wilder the better and so on.

Michael—I think one good solution would be to maybe in a nice way when I come back from a trip or from school, where I would have been alone and gotten some money, that I would be nicely asked for a receipt. To say, "Hey, do you have any receipts from the ATM?"

Amy—Another one would be for him to do the finances for a month.

Michael—How about if I get a receipt pouch big enough to carry in my pocket or something, that I can carry the receipts in.

Amy—After you use the ATM, right after you get the receipt you give it to me.

Amy—You could not use the ATM card, but just use your Mastercard or Visa.

Gary—They both understand each other. They've been giving ideas. Now we're going to look up at the ceiling and pull one of those out that they think is the best one. Which one is the best solution?

Michael—I would say if we're together, well if we're together we don't have a problem. It's only when I'm by myself. I just have to try to remember to give them to her, or for her to ask me nicely about the receipts.

Amy—I agree with those solutions.

Michael—We'll try to establish me giving them to you automatically. And then the other as a safety net.

Gary—What's the motivation for that solution? What that solution does is it's softer on him, and it helps you to recognize to gently remind him. It's a two-way thing. It's you reminding him. Because you would like to have him remember on his own. Anything you want to add to it?

Michael—I'm better.

Amy—He's lying!

Michael—For the record, I didn't forget that many receipts!

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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