It's Monday night and I've just returned home from teaching 8 teenage girls how to be better cheerleaders. Don't ask why I'm teaching them how, but simply believe me when I admit to being a cheerleading coach!

I quietly enter the cabin my wife, Amy, and I are staying in for the time-being because the house we've been building over the last year is still not done. I'm tired, my neck is soar from teaching toddlers earlier in the day to do back rolls, which I now know I can no longer accomplish without serious injury.

Everything about my attitude and day was primed for an argument, and then Amy says something I'll never forget. I was telling her about a speaking engagement coming up for the Iowa Prayer Breakfast. I hadn't realized, after finally looking at the itinerary, that there would be a dinner the night before the prayer breakfast in my honor with the Governor of Iowa, Senators, and Representatives.

I'd never had a dinner in my honor before, and I was excited about what it may be like. I was sharing this with Amy when all of a sudden she interrupts and says quite matter-of-factly, "Are you sure they don't have you confused with your dad?"

I couldn't believe she said that! "Are you sure they don't have you confused with your dad!" Who says something like that to someone you love? She went about her business and I sat there stunned trying to figure out what just happened.

This is where you have a choice in your relationship with your mate. I could either respond positively or negatively. In a way that may glorify the relationship or devastate it.

Finally, I broke the silence with, "Amy … That really hurt my feelings." I was simple and to the point. I didn't accuse her of being mean and hurtful, I didn't shout, I didn't bring up past hurts, I simply said, "That really hurt my feelings."

Of course I was lucky. I rarely ever respond in such a way when my feelings get hurt. But this time, I actually took the time to think about what I should say next, and it paid off.

Had I responded differently or negatively, Amy and I would have been off to the argument races. But instead Amy was able to hear my hurt and respond positively back to me.

The key was sticking to my feelings and talking about how I felt and not what Amy had done to hurt me. If you're having difficulty resolving your conflict or even discussing conflict in a manner uplifting to your relationship. Think about how you respond to negative and hurtful events from your mate.

Remember, how we respond to our mate's hurtful actions or words is critical in terms of handling conflict in a healthy, meaningful way. I can not control what my mate does to me, but I can control how I respond to my mate. If I stick to how I feel or what I need, then the chances of my hurt feelings getting validated greatly increases!

© Copyright 2002 Smalley Relationship Center

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