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Marriage Articles
Romance/Intimacy
Marriage: The Need to Feel a Mutual Commitment and Security
Relationship expert Dr. Scott Stanley's definition of commitment is twofold.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 11/14/05
Strategic Romance
When Sheri and I speak publicly, we almost always make the point that our romantic relationship has never been better. Then I cringe when Sheri goes a step further and says, "After twenty-five years, few couples can say their sex life is better than ever!"
by Jim Mueller | 10/01/03
Struggles with Intimacy
A man who can cry is a man who has learned some secrets about intimacy. But sadly, for many men it takes something tragic or life-changing before they understand this truth.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/30/03
Identify Your Relational Fear Dance
Discover your core relational fear with this handy survey.
02/21/03
Love Is a Decision
If your marriage relationship doesn't have a destination, how will you know when you arrive? And why wait for love to materialize out of stardust, when you could choose excitement and romance—now?
Also:
The Man Who Made History
A Marriage Mended …
Planning to Have a Great Marriage and Family?
The Ruin of a National Treasure
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/13/03
Love—As Easy As One, Two, Rooftop!
It's 8:40 a.m. Sunday morning and I'm on top the roof of our new house wondering exactly how I'm going to get down!
01/13/03
Keys to Opening the Intimacy Door
If you're wondering what it takes to gain intimacy in your marriage, take a look at the list below. It is no secret anymore what it takes to remain married for the long haul. Researchers discovered through science, observation, and counseling, what a couples must do and think if they want to remain married for life.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/13/03
The Five Levels of Intimacy
The First Level: Here, a couple simply tries to avoid each other, and, when they do speak, it is usually shallow conversation or exchanging clichés.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/13/03
The Gender Fallacy
"If we truly desire intimacy, we must be very careful of simplistic generalizations which can generate stereotypical views and even greater distance between us." —Elizabeth Aries
01/13/03
Discovering Your Mate's Built-In Marriage Manual
Do you ever do something you feel is loving for your mate, but he or she does not respond in a positive manner? One day, a well-meaning husband ran into this same frustration. The man wanted to do something special for his wife so he left work early and bought some flowers, candy, and a card. When he arrived home, with great pride, he presented the gifts and exclaimed, "Hi honey! I love you so much!"
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/08/03
Dreaming of You
Chapter 1: Love at First Sight
Chapter 2: The Tryout!
Chapter 3: The Excruciating Friendship Years
Chapter 4: This Can't Be Happening
Chapter 5: If I Could Only Be So Lucky
Chapter 6: When Will We Meet Again?
Chapter 7: It Can't Be True
Chapter 8: And Heaven Smiled Upon Us!
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/08/03
12 Ways to Keep Your Love Alive
1. Praise is such a great gift, and it's so easy to give. So look at the things that make your spouse and others unique and develop the habit of praising them for those special things.
01/07/03
Incredible Intimacy
When you think of intimacy, what comes to mind? A romantic date? Warm conversation? Candlelight dinner? Spending time together? Sex?
by Jim Mueller | 01/01/02
Increasing Your Intimacy 100 Percent
Gary: When we say the word intimacy, most people immediately think of sex. But the physical act of coming together in marriage is only one aspect of intimacy. And in some ways, it's not even the most important aspect. (I know, you may find it hard to believe that a guy is saying that seriously, but hear me out.)
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 12/19/02
The Two Sides of Love
Do you and your loved ones sometimes seem miles apart? Do you long for greater affection in your most important relationships? Do you wonder what makes commitments last in an age of throwaway marriages and friendships?
12/19/02
Meaningful Touch
Isabel was a sensitive young woman, suffering greatly in a diabetic/medical-surgical unit. She was in so much pain, she would cry regularly to the nursing staff, pleading for pain killing injections. Yet the medicine therapy she was on and her own physical condition precluded her from receiving the shots in spite of her cries. The risk of infection and internal bleeding was simply too great.
12/19/02
Keeping Alive Romance and Security
Gary: In this day and age, security in the marriage relationship almost seems to have gone the way of the dodo. Roughly half of all marriages end in divorce, and the statistics are about the same among Christians as they are in society at large.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 12/19/02
Communication
Practical Ways to Express Admiration
Begin to seek your husband's advice and opinions in decisions. Consult him for reactions to furniture selection and arrangement, style and color of clothing, dinner options, etc.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 10/24/05
Express Your Gratefulness without Expectations
Recently I received a card in the mail from my wife. In it, she said that she loved me, that every year of our marriage was more fulfilling, and that she appreciated some of my recent attitudes and actions.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/23/05
Motivating Your Husband to Listen to You
How? By using the "salt principle." Salt makes people thirsty, and the goal of this principle is to create thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your husband can learn about each other's needs.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/02/05
Explaining Your Needs and Desires to Your Husband
Make a list of the needs and desires you would like to see your husband fulfill. Divide your list into four categories: emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual needs, and mental needs.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 04/04/05
Align Expectations with Reality
One of the biggest energy draining experiences most adults stumble through is a strained marriage.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/31/05
Communication: The Language of Love
One emotional word picture is worth a thousand words.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 12/28/04
Persistence
Persistence means continuing to pursue a goal until it is achieved.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 10/20/03
Drive-Through Listening Rules to Remember
1. Decide your roles. One person must be the listener and one must be the speaker. Whoever is the speaker has the floor without exception until he or she is finished stating feelings. When that speaker is finished, the roles will be switched,
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 09/29/03
Discovery Listening Skill 1: Focus on the Other Person
Anchoring yourself to listen means giving your mate your full and complete attention. Here are a few ways to do it.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 09/11/03
Discovery Listening Skill 2: Summarize the Other Person
The essence of drive-through listening allows you to avoid the trap of misunderstanding. The best way to summarize is not to "repeat" every word like a tape recorder, but to break down bits of what you're hearing your mate say into bite-sized pieces, then to paraphrase to your mate these pieces when they're finished with each statement.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 09/11/03
Discovery Listening Skill 3: Would You Like Anything More?
Now, when he or she is speaking, your mate is most likely going to pause, perhaps to gather his or her thoughts, perhaps just to take a breath, perhaps a momentary break before what he or she really wants to say is unveiled. But this seemingly simple pause could be a test.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 09/23/03
Discovery Listening Skill 4: Ask the Other Person Questions
Once you understand what your mate is trying to say, but he or she still doesn't know how to use what he or she has said to help him or herself, you can ask leading questions for further discovery.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 09/29/03
Painting a Picture with Words
If you feel like your husband doesn't really understand what you say, especially when the subject has to do with emotions, try using a word picture.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 04/04/03
March Madness for Your Marriage
Terms like bracketology and "take a TO baby" replace common marriage sayings like, "Can I help clean up from dinner" or "What can I do for you".
by Michael Smalley | 03/24/04
LUV Talk
Question: How can I help my husband to see that we need to be partners in working through the trauma that I suffered as a child and young adult, so we can develop an even stronger loving and trusting relationship
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/13/03
Speaker, Listener Example
Here's an example from two people we know using this method.
01/13/03
LUV Talk (Tool)
A communication tool that can eliminate divorce!
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/13/03
Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage
1. Don't draw attention to her unattractive features
2. How to find the positive side to your wife's "negative" traits
3. Praise her (at least) once a day
4. How to talk about praise with your wife
01/09/03
I Believe In You!
But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," …
—Hebrews 3:13
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/09/03
The Greateast Communication Method on Earth!
You've probably already practiced LUV Talk whether you realized it or not. Every time you pass through a drive-through window at your favorite fast-food restaurant, you've been engaged in LUV Talk. You place your order, then the drive-through attendant repeats your order back to you.
by Michael Smalley | 01/07/03
A Communication Tool
You've probably already practiced LUV Talk whether you realized it or not. Every time you pass through a drive-through window at your favorite fast-food restaurant, you've been engaged in LUV Talk. You place your order, then the drive-through attendant repeats your order back to you. Like the fast-food clerk repeats a customer's order, a mate using LUV Talk repeats what his or her mate has said. This communication method not only clarifies the conversation and prevents misunderstanding; it allows the couple to delve into the deeper meanings behind their words.
12/19/02
It Takes Two to Tango
A great marriage can be compared to doing the tango. If you don't know the steps, you'll land on your head!
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 12/19/02
What Did You Say!
It's Monday night and I've just returned home from teaching 8 teenage girls how to be better cheerleaders. Don't ask why I'm teaching them how, but simply believe me when I admit to being a Cheerleading Coach!
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 12/19/02
The Language of Love
"Why can't he understand how I feel?" a wife asks herself in desperation after another failed attempt to communicate effectively with her husband. The frustration of missing out on meaningful communication affects not only our marriages, but also our friendships, parent-child and professional relationships.
12/19/02
The Power of Spoken Words
Most of us grew up reciting clever sayings like, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." "A bird in the hand is worth more than two in the bush." And "A stitch in time saves nine." But unlike all these words of wisdom, one saying we memorized is an absolute lie.
from the Gift of the Blessing | 12/19/02
Praise Her (At Least) Once a Day
Promise yourself to tell your wife daily what you appreciate about her. Promise yourself-not her-because she might develop expectations and be hurt if you forget. Begin by learning to verbalize your thoughts of appreciation.
12/19/02
Healthy Marriage
A Woman's Call to Courage
Courage is the inner commitment to pursue a worthwhile goal with out giving up hope.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 06/13/05
Competing with Your Husband's Interests
The first step in competing for your husband's attention is to make yourself more interesting and attractive.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 04/11/05
The Messy Housewife and the Man Who Changed Her
Betty was not the world's best house cleaner. Her home was not what you would call clean before they had children, and with three little ones running around, she had nearly given up on their home ever being clean.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 02/14/05
Has the Flu Bug Bitten Your Marriage Yet?
The most deadly sickness our country has to face is the devastating Marriage Flu. It infects over 75% of couples and can leave families grasping for air.
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 10/11/04
Tools You Can Use
Tools for housecleaning, driving, television, and more.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/22/03
Five Things Every Marriage Needs
So where did I go wrong? How could I wind up in such despair? My derailment occurred because I was looking for happiness, not joy.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/06/03
The Most Powerful Marriage Secret I Know!
"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." These powerful words were penned thousands of years ago. In today's world—with the divorce rate in the United States around fifty percent—these words can have a tremendous impact upon your most important relationships. As you begin the Secrets To Lasting Love video series, you will discover the most powerful way we know to infuse encouragement, motivation, and even positive correction into a person's life.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/27/03
The Four Relational Germs
Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley have discovered through over 20 years of research that there are four main risk factors (germs) that can lead to divorce.
by Dr. Howard Markman & Dr. Scott Stanley | 01/16/03
Spiritual
Question: I know that it is our choice whether we let things get to us. How do we do this without ignoring our feeling to an unhealthy point? I can pretend all I want, this doesn't stop me from being lonely or feeling rejected by my wife. I can't just stop loving and needing her. She doesn't feel the same about me, so what do I do?
01/13/03
Spouse Won't Change
Question: I am in a similar situation as the woman who was married 17 years and her husband works all the time. Mine has always worked all the time. I think he's totally ego centric and has no desire to learn or change. Any activity is his idea or it's "a waste of his time". I have felt like a single parent all my marriage.
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/13/03
Starting Over Again
Over 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce today in America. This means there are millions of couples who may remarry and try it again. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is double the divorce rate for first marriages.
01/13/03
LifeOnline Question—Engaged
Question: My fiancée's parents have been divorced 4 times … to each other. Do you think this will affect our marriage? What should I be concerned about?
01/13/03
Secrets to Lasting Love
Do you want to move from a superficial to an "ultimate," deep level of intimacy and a lasting and loving relationship with your mate? If so, Secrets to Lasting Love shares with you three key skills every person must master if they truly desire a close and intimate relationship with their mate. Three skills to change your relationship forever!
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/13/03
Honor—The Fuel that Runs a Healthy Relationship!
Captain Johnny Ferrier, a pilot for the famed Blue Angles, shreds across the blue sky. Onlookers at the national air show notice smoke billowing from the back of his Navy jet. On the radio, his superior pleads for Johnny to save his life. "Bail out Johnny, Bail out! You've still got time!" His superior shouts through the receiver.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/09/03
If You Don't Know How, You'd Better Find Out!
The best definition of honor that we've found involves two extremely important parts. First, honor is anytime we "confer distinctive value" upon someone. When a college bestows an honorary doctorate degree, the school is conferring distinction upon someone.
01/09/03
How to Make Wise Decisions … and Stay in Harmony!
All couples will face making decisions during their married life. While some issues involve easier decisions like who handles the remote control or where to eat dinner. Others may require careful consideration because they involve important issues. Career choices, child care and major investments can fall under this category.
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/09/03
Food and Love: Evidence From Research
Several research studies have demonstrated the impact that loving, caring, relationships have on physical health. Let me share just a few of those with you here.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/08/03
Foods that Weaken Our Bodies and Love
Foods can have an effect on our emotions. The wrong kinds of foods can threaten our emotional health. For instance, even a small amount of processed food or caffeine can actually alter the chemical balance in our brains and cause mood changes.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/08/03
The Gift of the Blessing
Isabel was a sensitive young woman, suffering greatly in a diabetic/medical-surgical unit. She was in so much pain, she would cry regularly to the nursing staff, pleading for pain killing injections. Yet the medicine therapy she was on and her own physical condition precluded her from receiving the shots in spite of her cries. The risk of infection and internal bleeding was simply too great.
01/08/03
Food and Love: A Marriage of Opposites
If a loving relationship is more important for our health than the food we eat, let me give you the best information I've learned about how to have the most loving marriage, family, or friendship.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/07/03
The Smalley Marriage Constitution
Both Norma and I, wishing to form a more loving union, hereby document our best attempt at forming the most fulfilling and satisfying lifetime relationship. The following articles constitute our commitment to this love journey during sicknesses or in health, in prosperity or in poorer times, in conflict or in harmony and we will allow nothing to separate OUR love and devotion for each other.
12/19/02
"Wise Counsel" On the Power of Negative Thinking
Marital experts have long noticed a particular pattern within relationships that has an extremely devastating impact.
by Dr. Gary Smalley & Dr. Greg Smalley | 12/19/02
The Power of Negative Thinking
Negative thinking, also called false or irrational beliefs, unrealistic expectations, self-defeating attitudes, unjustified negative explanations, or illogical conclusions is powerful because how a fiancé perceives and interprets what the other does can be far more important in determining marital satisfaction than those actions themselves.
12/19/02
Pro-Marriage Initiative
Pro-marriage initiative holds promise for poor On the surface, it sounds like a movie laugh line: "We're from the federal government, and we want to help you get married." Yet that's exactly the approach President Bush wants Congress to adopt this year as it re-examines the sweeping 1996 reforms that slashed welfare rolls.
12/19/02
The Secret to Protecting Your Marriage from Infidelity
"Why are you asking for a divorce?" the judge inquired.
"Because all my husband wants is to make love," the woman said.
"Most women would be pleased!" said the judge. "They are!!" the woman fired back.
"That's why I want a divorce."
12/19/02
Help & Healing/Conflict/Divorce Prevention
Disaster Protection
When a crisis strikes, we can be like two boys running along near the safety of home and finding themselves in the middle of a field of deadly snakes.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/28/05
Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage
Here are the four main patterns that can produce too much anger and possibly lead to divorce …
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/24/05
Forgiveness: Easier Said than Done!
More important than the money or the process was my responsibility to listen to Norma and value her need!
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 12/20/04
Daily Life: Can't We Get Along
On an everyday level, the difference in the way men and women go about life might be driving you mad.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/30/03
Forgiveness: An Ongoing Process
Forgiveness is not a onetime event but a process. Unfortunately, many Christian men don't understand this. We Smalley guys often hear men tell us, "If she forgave me, then she would be over this by now!" But come on, guys—that is not realistic.
from the book Men's Relational Toolbox | 05/21/03
Twenty-Five Great Expectations for Your Marriage
Challenges most couples face during the first three to five years of marriage.
by Dennis & Barbara Rainey | 04/08/03
The Harmful Effects of Using Sensitive Information As Ammunition During Conflicts
Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious, while the lips of a fool consume him … (Ecclesiastes 10:12).
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/23/03
When Anger Hits Home
In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. —Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV)
by Dr. Greg Smalley & Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/23/03
Becoming One: A Foundational Principle for a Passionate Marriage
Amy and I were locked in what felt like mortal combat. Neither was willing to give in to the other's wish. To make matters worse, both of us had legitimate needs and feelings that we were not willing to give up. This is where our true struggle began.
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/23/03
Part II of Forgiveness
We live in a fallen world. We are going to make mistakes that not only affect ourselves, but the people around us. Particularly the people that are most important to us, and there is no relationship more influential than the marital relationship. But why is forgiveness important?
01/13/03
Marriage Come Back
Question: My wife left while I slept, is living in another city, won't talk to me by phone, hurries to get away from me in person, won't respond to any of my letters. We were not fighting when she left. In fact, we were hardly talking, although I was constantly trying.
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/13/03
Mature Marriage
Question: After 21 yrs. of marriage, 18 yrs. spent in therapy of some kind, self, parent w/ Sp.Ed. child & marriage … my husband doesn't like the "real me" … I've been whatever someone else wanted me to be all my life, and in the last 5 yrs.
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/13/03
One Big Reason Marriages Fail
All too often, people marry before acquiring the knowledge and skills necessary to take care of their mates: to meet their emotional, mental, and physical needs.
01/13/03
Making Love Last Forever
Take the anger inventory, to see how much it applies to you.
01/13/03
Food and Love: Painful Words From My Past
Looking back, I believe the destructive connection between food and love started for me in the way I related to other people. When people close to me would gain weight, I would feel discouraged, frustrated, and even cool toward them.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/13/03
Road Blocks to Forgiveness
"Why can't I forgive?" is a question on many people's minds. "I know that God wants me to, but I just can't find the strength to go through with it."
01/13/03
Rules for Couples' Conflict
1. Clearly define the problem. Clarify what the actual conflict is first. Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here: tired, low sugar level, etc. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)
01/13/03
How to Resolve an Argument With Your Mate Every Time
As in my home, one of the few things that I can guarantee is that all couples will experience conflict.
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/09/03
Is This the Right One?
Question: I am supposed to be getting married in less than 3 months, my fiancé and I have been apart for a year now because of the career he chose. I am not feeling very close to him right now. What is worse, I have a friend that I am connecting to in so many ways.
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/09/03
Food and Love: When There's No One to Love
Tanya was a woman who desperately needed the information in these studies.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/08/03
Climbing Out of Marriage's Deepest Pit
It was 4:00 p.m. on Valentine's Day when I remembered my basketball game. I reached for the phone to call Norma, my bride of less than a year.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/08/03
Do It Right the Second Time
Question: I am a divorcee, have been for the last eight years, am starting a new relationship. We are both Christians and would like some help in how to deal with all the baggage that we have brought with us from our other relationships. My girlfriend has just ended a 26 year marriage. We want to do what's right in GOD'S eyes.
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/08/03
Discovering Win/Win Solutions
Can a couple in conflict ever reach a win/lose solution? What if a husband gets a new job in a different state that is going to make his life easier and the family's life easier, but the wife doesn't think it would be a wise move?
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/08/03
Creating a Marriage You Love to Come Home To!
The best of the holiday season is filled with joy, laughter, and warm images of special family times. Sadly, for many, this year's holidays are filled with anything but family bliss. Many marriages are straining to the breaking point, and the children's wish for Christmas is that Mommy and Daddy will love each other again.
by Robert Paul | 01/08/03
Creating Relational Security Through an Anti-Divorce Contract
Even if marriages are made in heaven, man has to be responsible for the maintenance.
—Kroehler News
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/08/03
Creating a Geneva Convention for Marital Conflict
As a marriage counselor, one of the few things I can guarantee is that all couples will experience conflict. Therefore, since conflict is a normal part of any relationship, learning how to manage disagreements in a constructive manner is crucial.
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/08/03
"My Marriage Was Over"—A Testimony to Marriage Intensives!
As we sat together at a marriage seminar, I remember thinking how funny it was that the seminar was called "Marriage for a Lifetime." My marriage was over. I believed it with every ounce of my soul.
by Anne Johnston | 01/07/03
A Personal Journey
Did you know that certain foods could be harming your relationships? Have you ever considered that your relationships may be harming your health? Both are strong possibilities, and the connection between them is an area that is rarely talked about in relationship education.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/07/03
Caught in the Middle
Can children of divorce love both of their parents without paying a price? Many children have told me they keep their feelings about their "away parent" secret. "It's hard to know what to say to Mom. She flips out when I tell her how much I miss my Dad. She'll go into some rant about what a lousy father he is and how he never pays child support. I know he should pay child support, but that shouldn't give her permission to say bad things about him".
by Dr. David A. Swift | 01/07/03
A Gentle Answer Turns Away Wrath
After twenty-five years of being single, Sandy was finally marrying the man of her dreams. Sandy, had been dating Larry for four years and thought she knew him inside-out. Their courtship had its ups and downs, but all things considered, she knew their love was so strong that living happily ever after would be as natural as waking up in the morning.
01/07/03
When Clark Kent Forgot His Power
Imagine Clark Kent waking up one morning and somehow forgetting he possesses superhuman powers. He slaps the snooze button on his bedside clock radio and compresses it to the depth of an index card. At breakfast, he slams his coffee mug down on the table and sends it clean through two inches of splintered mahogany.
12/19/02
When Touch is Withheld
The young woman's story seemed all too familiar. She had to do some fast growing up when three major events converged at almost the same time: graduation from high school, a positive outcome on a pregnancy test, and a quick eviction notice from her parents.
12/19/02
Why Can't You Fix Us!
The task seemed simple enough. All the clerk wanted was for me to pay the bill. There was one problem however, I didn't have my wallet. Somewhere between my insatiable hunger for pizza and the lack of will power to take my time getting there, I forgot my wallet.
12/19/02
Winning Back Your Husband
Churchill's speech lasted less than two minutes—but it drew a standing ovation and has inspired decades of men and women ever since. What he said is the best advice you can receive when it comes to winning back your husband. Never give up!
Dr. Gary Smalley & Dr. Greg Smalley | 12/19/02
Winning Your Husband Back
Your marriage may be beginning to crumble. Or it may already be in shambles. Its present condition does not determine its future, though. You do!
12/19/02
Winning Your Wife Back
Winning your wife back from emotional or physical separation is more than doing the same things with more intensity. It involves developing a whole new strategy to overcome what seem to be overwhelming odds to attain a come-from-behind victory. Gary utilizes the following game plan to significantly increase your chances for a "miracle comeback": understand "penalty flags", open a closed spirit, honor your wife and children, develop a sacrificial love, initiate change in yourself, and be accountable to joining a support group.
12/19/02
The Command to Forgive
I admit the Bible can sometimes be difficult to interpret and understand. However, when it comes to the command to forgive, the Bible is very obvious in what is expected of Christians. "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your sister or brother has something against you leave your gift there in front of the alter. "First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift," Matthew 5:23-24.
12/19/02
We Are So Different!
When Amy and I first started dating we could do no wrong. If I forgot my wallet and she ended up paying for dinner it was, "Cute". If she made sure her apartment was tidy before we left for a date it was, "well organized". Somehow, after we say those magical words, "I do", something begins to change. Now I'm no longer, "cute", I'm "irresponsible", and Amy is no longer "organized", she is "obsessive compulsive!"
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 12/19/02
Overcoming Emotions That Destroy Joy
Have you ever walked confidently out on a limb only to look back and see someone sawing it from the tree? That's how I felt recently when I realized what I'd done to Norma.
12/19/02
The Ruin of a National Treasure
As I sat with Kay that day, I felt like I was watching the wreck of the Exxon tanker, Valdez. Here was a beautiful home and stunning family. Yet with disharmony and heartache steering at the helm, their family relationships had been guided right onto the rocks, just as that ill-fated oil tanker had been.
12/19/02
Understanding Your Spouse
When a Man Comforts His Wife
During most of our marriage, my wife could never expect to receive comfort from me whenever she made an embarrassing mistake. I usually ridiculed her or got upset. But eventually, she began to share with me her need for sympathy, compassion, and understanding.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 11/07/05
Why Most Men Don't Comfort
One woman who had left her husband said, "I just can't stand the thought of going back into that situation. He offended me in so many ways, and then he never comforted me when I needed it. I just can't go back." I asked her if she'd be willing to teach her husband how to comfort her.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 07/18/05
Valuing your Husband through Gentleness
Gentleness is showing tender consideration for the feelings of others.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/09/05
Using Your Great Strength to Detect Praiseworthy Qualities in Your Husband
It should be evident by now that a woman's greatest strength is her sensitivity.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 04/15/05
What Women Want: Listen with Your Heart
1. Make and keep eye contact. Few things assure your loved one that you are listening closely more than making eye contact. Without making it seem like you are staring through her, lock your eyes on hers and listen to what she has to say.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 02/07/05
Husbands: Understanding the Incredible Worth of a Woman
Discovering the incredible worth of a woman begins by understanding that genuine love is a gift we give.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/03/05
The Big "T"
Evidence today suggests that physiology may shape a man's personality and tendencies. What that means is testosterone.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/29/03
Women Are from the Classroom; Men Are from the Playground
One of the simplest ways to note the differences between men and women is to watch them with their children.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/29/03
Men: The More Troubling Sex
The joke goes like this: A man was walking along the road one day when a genie stopped him and offered him a single wish.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/29/03
Give Her Your Shoulder, Not Your Mouth
Your goal should be to become a gentle, loving, and tender husband who does not lecture.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 05/27/03
The Evidence a Wife Needs from Her Husband
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Matthew 6:21
01/13/03
How The Differences Between Men and Women Can Help Your Husband Become a Promise Keeper
Years ago, when we were living in Waco, Texas, I got to attend a Baylor University football game. However, I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen because I hadn't been to a football game since college. As I patiently waited for the teams to arrive—suddenly—everyone began to cheer. Slowly, the crowd got louder until we were all screaming.
by Norma Smalley | 01/09/03
How To Feel Understood When Communicating With Your Mate
After living separate lives, a retired business executive and his wife discovered a painful reality. Sitting at home one evening, the couple called some friends to see what they were doing. "Oh," said the other wife, "we're just talking and drinking tea."
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/09/03
For Better or Best
So you want your husband to: Be sensitive to your emotional and romantic needs? Comfort you when you're down? Spend more time with you? Listen to what you have to say? Appreciate you? Do more around the house? Spend time with the kids? Be your most intimate friend?
01/08/03
Two Huge Reasons Marriages Fail!
In his best-selling book, If Only He Knew, Gary explains a woman's deepest needs, shows a man how to meet those needs, and gives ten simple steps to strengthen any marriage. He helps men to understand not only how to respond to a woman's feelings, but also how to make her feel important.
12/19/02
Personality Inventory
The personality inventory you take is not like a test you fail or pass. It's more like a fingerprint that shows your tendencies. Tendencies can change, unlike fingerprints. Discovering your personality tendencies in relationships helps to show where your strengths and weaknesses exist.
12/19/02
Two Kinds of Power
The silver-handled sword we write of is a man's positional power. That's the clout, control, prestige, and authority that come to a man because of where he works or what he does. It's his job title, his resume, whether he works on the line or supervises from the catwalk. It's the number of academic degrees he has earned or the way other men respect the clear mark of a craftsman when he finishes a job.
12/19/02
Meet Your Best Friend
When my wife stopped fighting me about my obsession toward work, as well as other issues, she unleashed a powerful force in my life, though neither of us understood it at the time.
12/19/02
Two Powerful Swords Within Our Reach
Let us give you a picture of how valuable each man is. As a man, whether you realize it or not, you won two "swords," two forms of power. The handle of one gleams silver-blue, as though chiseled from a block of ice. You acquired the silver-handled sword early in your manhood, and you have continued to use it down through the years.
12/19/02
The Two Swords of Value in Every Man
This may be difficult to read. They're filled with tough talk about subjects we men have to face. But we guarantee that if you'll make it through them, you'll then run into nearly nonstop encouragement that can help you take the high ground with your wife and family.
12/19/02
Discovering the Strengths of a Lion
Lions possess a number of admirable hardside strengths. They're decisive, purposeful and great at conquering nearly any challenge. As with the other personalities, however, if their strengths get pushed out of balance, those traits can become their greatest weakness.
12/19/02
The Hidden Value of a Man
Often men are ridiculed for being men. The media portray them as sitcom buffoons, heartless, money-hungry corporate raiders, and angry criminals. Many feel powerless and frustrated, unsure of their role in the family and beyond.
12/19/02
Family
A Family Changed: Learning New Dance Steps
When Cherryl was growing up, a simple plaque hung in the family room. The plaque belonged to Cherryl's grandfather and had become a kind of unspoken "family motto."
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/07/05
3 Ways to Be a Hero this Mother's Day
I'm going to give you this list from the least to the best way to be a hero.
by Michael Smalley | 04/19/04
People—We Can't Control Them
For the first thirty-five years of my life I thought people were supposed to make me happy. My wife, children, friends, relatives, boss, fellow employees—all were part of a group I felt should charge my battery.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/10/03
Husband's Role
"E" is for Ego
In my own life, I first caught sight of man's tendency toward self-centeredness (our egos), after I'd been married less than two years.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 12/27/05
The Perfect Balance: Being a Career Man and a Family Man
After ten years of marriage, I felt I was finally becoming a success at my work. I was privileged to speak regularly at various organizations in our city and throughout the country. My wife and I had a beautiful home and two children. What more could a man want?
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 02/28/05
How My Wife Changed My Obsession with Work
Nagging didn't work, so she found another method to help her get my attention.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 12/07/04
There's More to Mother's Day than Flowers
Every Mother's Day millions of moms receive the customary bouquet of flowers, card, and if they are really lucky - chocolates. But this Mother's Day try to take into consideration your mother's or wife's personal preferences when selecting that something special.
by Michael Smalley | 04/19/04
Career—We Can Never Climb High Enough
Our job or career is important because of what it supposedly provides for us. Jobs may provide status—most men in large part gain their identity from what they do—and they also provide money, which allows you to maintain a certain lifestyle. But even those who have significant incomes often aren't satisfied.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/10/03
Making Your Wife Feel Important
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word …" Ephesians 5:25, 26
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 01/13/03
A Biblical Blueprint for Loving Leadership in a Home
I am convinced that most men, if they have a plan and know what to do, are willing to take the steps to build a loving, lasting relationship.
01/07/03
The Greatest Among You!
A few years ago, I discovered the tremendous value of serving my wife, Erin. While we were shopping, I asked Erin if there was anything that I could do for her.
by Greg Smalley, M.A. | 12/19/02
Faith
Gaining a Positive Attitude
I once counseled a young wife who had been sexually attacked when she was a young girl. I could see by the expression on her face that she was still discouraged and distressed about the incident and embarrassed to talk about it.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 04/18/05
A Marriage Changed by Choosing God's Love
Laura was fed up with her husband and with all the upheaval in their lives. He often traveled out of town, and when he was home, he drank and made life miserable for her.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/17/05
Prayer
1. Anticipating Answers
2. Listening to God
3. Picturing God's Desires
4. Praise and Worship
5. Rehearsing God's Will
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/06/03
Praying Together
Psalms 69:13 "But I pray to you, O LORD, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation."
01/13/03
It Takes Two to Tango: Honoring God
Although this is the last section in the book, it's really the most important. That's because the tango of a satisfying marriage is most likely to occur when we put God at the center of the relationship and commit our lives to Him, both individually and as a couple.
01/09/03
Joy That Lasts
What would you give to have joy in your marriage? Not just happiness, but enduring, deep-rooted joy that weathers every storm? It's your to have—provided you go to the right source.
Also:
Chapter 2: Joy Comes Before a Satisfying Marriage
Chapter 3: Having It All Isn't Enough
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 01/09/03
The Ultimate Example
Earlier we spoke of the way God modeled these principles when Jesus walked the back trails and highways of planet Earth. No longer could God be thought of as some distant, unconcerned deity in a far corner of infinity. He came, robed in warm, human flesh. And while He walked among us, He reached out His hands.
12/19/02
Reaching Bottom Is the First Step Up
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-3)
12/19/02
A Wrong Focused Marriage
I've never believed I change lives. I'm extremely aware Christ is intricately involved with the changing of someone's inner emotional state, and I simply play a role which God encourages.
by Michael Smalley, M.A. | 12/19/02
Contentment
Things—We Never Get Enough
When people don't satisfy us, we often look to money and the things money can buy—cars, entertainment systems, computers—the list is endless.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/10/03
Where Are You Looking for Fulfillment?
Separately, husband and wife, rate your personal happiness at this moment in each area, from 0 to 10, with 0 being totally dissatisfied and 10 being totally satisfied …
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/10/03
This Joy Is Available to Everyone
You may be reading this and thinking, "I sure do want this joy, but my spouse isn't going to cooperate." Let me say right now that this joy is available to you, regardless of your spouse.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 03/06/03
Having It All Isn't Enough
The famous actor opened the door and invited me into his New York City penthouse. In his living room, whose windows took in the city skyline, was a fireplace, and on the mantel of that fireplace was a statuette, the only memento of his illustrious Hollywood film career.
03/06/03
Lust, Dreaming About What I Can't or Shouldn't Have
Lust makes us think that having some person we don't presently have would make us happier.
by Dr. Gary Smalley | 02/10/03
What Is Negative Thinking?
Negative thinking is when a spouse consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. In other words, a husband or wife interprets the behavior of his or her spouse to be much more negative than the spouse intended. Basically, it's the belief that your fiancé is trying to ruin or weaken the marriage on purpose.
01/13/03
Humor & Fun
Dinner Recipes from Food and Love
In trying to improve your family's overall health, you may have searched at length for a way to replace favorite sugar-laden desserts. These bars are perfect for a family movie night or get-together with friends, but let me give you a tip: Don't mention the healthy ingredients.
01/07/03
Protecting Fun Activities from Conflict
"Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which [God] has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life …" (Ecclesiastes 9:9). This encouragement was written around the year 935 B.C. Even thousands of years ago, King Solomon realized the importance of spending time enjoying your spouse.
by Dr. Greg Smalley | 01/13/03
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