There's a verse in the Bible that summarizes the entire parenting process: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." When parents fail to follow that counsel and their teens get angry as a result, the effect is like something that happened to my (Greg's) daughter Taylor when she was 19 months old.

One day when Taylor was playing with me in our backyard, she discovered a bunch of sow bugs. She was so fascinated to see that every time she touched a bug, it rolled up into a little ball. Since she loves anything round, she kept flicking the bugs and squealing, "Ball! Ball!"

After being distracted for a few moments, I turned back toward Taylor and was horrified to see that she now had several sow bugs rolling around in her mouth. She pointed at the remaining bugs on the ground and shrieked, "Bawl! Bawl!"

I quickly did a "finger sweep" and rushed her inside. I knew that when we reached Taylor's mother, I was going to be in big trouble. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think of saying was "At least she got plenty of protein!" No wonder most mothers get nervous when leaving the kids with their fathers!

What does this story have to with do with parenting teenagers? The sow bug is made up of three distinct parts: a protective shell, an outer body, and internal organs. When it feels threatened, it curls into a tight defensive ball so that only its hard shell is exposed to the danger. Human beings also consist of three parts: body, soul, and spirit. The body is our physical makeup. The soul includes our mind, will, and emotions. The spirit is our innermost being, like the conscience; it's at this level that we have our deepest friendships.

In healthy families, all the members relate to one another on all three levels. Everyone's body language expresses openness; everyone is free to speak, think, and feel—all of which communicates to the heart. Over time, with many positive exchanges, relationships grow deeper on all three levels. However, if interfamily exchanges instead produce hurt feelings, frustration, and/or fear, a person's heart can close in anger. He or she "curls up into a protective ball," figuratively speaking, offering only a "hard shell" to the cause of the anger.

© Copyright 2006 Smalley Relationship Center

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