When people feel safe they are naturally inclined to open their hearts. Intimacy occurs effortlessly and naturally when hearts open to one another because that state of openness requires less energy to maintain than all possible states of being. For that reason openness is the default setting of our hearts. Openness was the natural state of being in the garden. As a result, when family members are open with each other intimacy just happens. It does not require effort or conscious attention.

Therefore, we have found that the only way to enjoy a close, open, intimate relationship is to create a safe environment where two people who want to stay in love and harmony feel very safe with each other.

The good news is that you can create an open atmosphere in your marriage and family that will allow people to be their true selves. But the focus must be on creating safety.

Safety will help you create a climate in which you can build open relationships that will grow and flourish. It will help you build relationships in which you and the other person will feel cherished, honored, and alive. It's almost as if this sets a soothing tone that will allow you to feel relaxed in your relationships.

If that sounds like paradise, it's maybe because Eden was a supremely safe place. Adam and Eve felt no fear there. Before their sin, they enjoyed an amazingly intimate relationship with God, themselves, and each other. The couple felt so close to one another that God described them as "united into one." Nothing came between Adam and Eve—not insecurities, not sharp differences of opinion, not even clothes! They were completely open with each other—no walls, no masks, no fear. Their relationship blossomed.

In your quest to have the "best of the best" in your marriage and family, we want to encourage you to make creating safety with your teens a top priority. Start this process by answering some basic questions:

1. 0-10 (with ten being the most safe), how safe is your marriage for you and your spouse? For your children?
2. How have I made it unsafe for my spouse? For my children?
3. How do I make it unsafe for me?
4. What do I do in response to feeling unsafe?

To have a foundation of safety built into a family, especially emotionally, makes opening up significantly easier. When your teenager knows that you are committed to creating a safe environment, you begin building a foundation for a great relationship. Ideally, your home should feel like the safest place on earth.

How do you make your home feel safe—like it's the safest place on earth? By increasing honor and decreasing anger.

© Copyright 2006 Smalley Relationship Center

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