An important aspect of communicating love to children is how parents act while with them. Children need to be treated tenderly. Gentleness and tenderness are of prime importance in dealing with our children. Harshness and angry lecturing communicate to children that they are of little value and in some cases worthless. The phrase "If I meant anything to anyone, they wouldn't be so mean to me" is the frequent subconscious conclusion teens draw.

The calming effect of tenderness in a home has tremendous positive effects. Sometimes, while I'm reading in the evening, one of my kids will climb up on my lap. They may want to talk; other times they are content just to be with me. It's not unusual for Kari to come in and say something like, "Dad, I'm having a problem with a friend at school. Do you think we could talk about it tonight?" She knows that I am usually open to that situation. And I have learned that when we do get together, she wants me to listen, remain calm, offer some suggestions, and especially try to understand her suggestions. She does not want or need a lecture. Above all, she wants me to be tender while I'm listening.

In the heat of a family argument, I can forget all about being tender. I'm particularly vulnerable when I return home from a trip and am physically and emotionally exhausted. On one such day, Kari said she wanted to participate in some athletic activity but didn't know which one to choose. She had mentioned this on several occasions but never followed through on any of my suggestions. This time, I suggested she go out for track at school. She told me she had no interest in track. That angered me. "I want you to go out for track," I yelled. "If I tell you to go out for track, that means you're going out for track!" She was shocked by my response. Here she was, sixteen years old, a lovely girl with a great attitude, and I was upset because she wasn't going out for track. I knew I was wrong. I could see I was closing her spirit. But I was too upset to deal with it right then.

In situation such as this, it is often best to leave the argument for a while. Later that evening, when I'd calmed down, I gently approached Kari. (This was after I'd made a deal with my family. Because they are all extremely valuable to me, I had told them I would give ten dollars to anyone if I ever took out my frustrations on him.) I felt so bad about what I'd said to my daughter, I made a check out to her for twenty dollars. I knocked on Kari's door and heard her say, "Oh, Dad, I can't take any more of this right now."

When I told her I needed to talk with her, she unlocked the door. I handed her the check, explaining, "Kari, I know this doesn't buy your love, and it doesn't get me off the hook. But what I did to you was very wrong, and you're too valuable to be treated that way. I want to give you this little gift."

A smile broke across her face and she was a little embarrassed. "Oh, Dad, you don't have to do this." I could tell her spirit was opening as we spoke. Even if I hadn't given her anything, but had gently apologized, it would have helped begin the process of opening her spirit. When I gave her the money—twice the amount I agreed to give her—I was communicating in a small way how valuable she was to me.

It is easier for me to do this today, because I have been practicing it for several years. However it wasn't easy at first. If you are not used to being tender and admitting wrong actions as a parent, it will be difficult for you to humble yourself. But it will pay dividends in the lives of your children.

Recommended Resources:

Buy Key To Your Childs Heart

Buy Homes of Honor Parenting

© Copyright 2006 Smalley Relationship Center

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