One way to communicate honor is to grant each child a high place in our lives and the loving respect that accompanies it. A second is to look upon each teen as a priceless treasure. The third is to understand that to help teenagers develop honor, they must see us demonstrate it. A fourth is to replace judgment with curiosity in your teen. Let's consider each of these methods in detail.

1. Place your teenager in a highly respected position.
One time when I (Greg) was in junior high, Mom and Dad made a simple decision that would have a far greater positive impact on me than they realized at the time. They decided that Dad would take me along to a conference of professional athletes at which he was speaking. At one point in our time there, while we were walking through the hotel, a football landed nearby. When I turned around, my jaw dropped and I almost fell over. Standing in front of me was my favorite football star, number 80 for the Seattle Seahawks, Steve Largent, who was later inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame.

It was like a fantasy come true. And as if that weren't exciting enough, Steve then talked and played catch with me for about an hour. Finally, to top off the perfect day, Steve gave me an autographed picture. Before I went to bed that night, I vowed to wear the number 80 if I ever got to play organized football.

Dad's taking me with him to the conference and introducing me to all the players was an act of honor. He was placing me—literally, in this case—in a highly respected position. Hearing my name coming from Dad's lips when meeting Steve Largent and others communicated that he thought enough of me to use my name with them and that I was worth their taking the time to meet me.

Early one summer morning a few years later, Mom woke me up at 5:30, just as I had begged her to do. The first day of freshman football practice had arrived, and it was terribly important for me to be first in line to get my equipment. I knew that I was about to be assigned the number that would identify me forever (or at least through my high-school football career). I had dreamed about this day for months, because only Steve Largent's number 80 would do. I had to get that number.

Practice started at 7:00 sharp, and I was standing in front of the equipment shed by 6:00. Fortunately, number 80 was still available, and my dream came true. Throughout my high-school days, I would be identified with the hero I had met years before because my mom and dad had chosen to put me in a position of high respect.

2. See your teenager as a priceless treasure.
A second way to communicate honor to our teens is to see and treat each of them as a priceless treasure. We honor God by recognizing that His worth is beyond any price; similarly, we honor our teenagers by considering them to be special gifts God has entrusted to us, as the Scriptures declare.

A story called Johnny Lingo's Eight-Cow Wife, by Patricia McGerr, illustrates well the unlimited power of viewing and treating someone as a priceless treasure. Johnny Lingo was a young man who lived on the island of Nurabandi, not far from the island Kiniwata in the South Pacific. Johnny was one of the brightest, strongest, and richest men in the islands, but people shook their heads and smiled about a business deal he had made with a man on Kiniwata.

It was customary among the people of these islands for a man to buy his wife from her father, with the price being paid in cows. Two or three cows would buy an average wife, and four or five would fetch a highly satisfactory one. Yet for some reason, Johnny had paid the unheard-of price of eight cows for a wife, Sarita, who was unattractive by any standards. As one fellow explained, "It would be kindness to call her plain. She was skinny. She walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She was scared of her own shadow." Why did Johnny Lingo pay eight cows, especially for such a woman? Everyone figured Sarita's father, Sam Karoo, had taken young Johnny for a ride, and that's why the islanders smiled whenever they discussed the deal.

Patricia McGerr finally met Johnny for herself and got the chance to ask about his eight-cow purchase of Sarita. She had assumed he had done it for his own vanity and reputation—at least until she saw Sarita. "She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," McGerr wrote. "The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, the sparkle of her eyes all spelled a pride to which no one could deny her the right." Sarita was not the plain girl McGerr had expected, and the explanation lay with Johnny Lingo.

"Do you ever think," he said, "what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband settled on the lowest price for which she can be bought? And then later, when the women talk, they boast of what their husbands paid for them. One says four cows, another maybe six. How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one or two? This could not happen to my Sarita."

"Then you did this just to make your wife happy?" McGerr asked.

"I wanted Sarita to be happy, yes. But I wanted more than that. This is true. Many things can change a woman. Things that happen inside, things that happen outside. But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands."

"Then you wanted …"

"I wanted to marry Sarita. I loved her and no other woman."

"But …"

"But," he finished softly, "I wanted an eight-cow wife."

Because Johnny Lingo considered Sarita to be worth eight cows, she began to see and present herself as an eight-cow woman. Before Johnny entered her life, Sarita was a shy, plain island girl. After he placed incredible value upon her, she was transformed into a confident, attractive woman who knew she was worth far more than any other island woman.

Today, your teenager might be feeling the way Sarita did before she met Johnny. With all its physical changes, insecurities, and peer pressure, adolescence can be a cruel stage of life. During this awkward time, however, you can give your teen the same gift Sarita received: incredible self-worth seen through the eyes of someone who considers her priceless.

We encourage you to remind your teenagers daily how valuable they are. As you start to see them as priceless, they, like Sarita, are free to feel and present themselves as "worth many cows." If possible, give them a ring, a wall plaque, or something else that will remind them daily of their high value in your eyes.

Why is it so important to view our teens as special treasures? Because "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matt. 6) Whatever we highly value naturally attracts our affections, desires, and enthusiasm. Likewise, when we learn to treasure our teenagers, our positive feelings for them go up as well.

To get a better handle on what we mean by treasuring someone, imagine that you owned a priceless painting. You would make it the center of attention in your home. You would protect it by making sure it was hung securely and away from direct exposure to the sun. You would highlight it with indirect lighting and a subtle yet elegant frame. You would certainly brag about it to your friends and family because it meant so much to you. You would constantly feel grateful for the opportunity to possess something so marvelous and valuable. Just coming home from work and looking at it would raise your spirits.

Parents who treasure their teenagers respond to them in many of the same ways. When you treasure a person, you want to protect her. You'll go out of your way to see that she succeeds. You'll highlight her best points, mentioning her frequently in conversations. The thought of coming home to see her after a long day at work will give you energy.

Isn't it interesting how inanimate objects such as paintings tend to keep their value over the years, whereas living objects like teenagers often see their value drop? The decision to treat teens as priceless treasures sometimes has to be made hourly! But it pays rich dividends.

We've looked at placing teens in a highly respected place and treating them as priceless treasure. Now let's turn our attention to a third way to communicate honor.

3. Demonstrate honor in your actions.
As we seek to communicate and teach honor to our teenagers, it's vital for us to understand that honor can't really be taught with words. Our kids must see it demonstrated in our actions. Thus, modeling is the best way to communicate honor.

Teenagers are incredibly perceptive about what we parents do. When it looks as if we value the house, job, car, or poodle more than them, our actions speak much louder than our words of love and honor.

I (Gary) had to continually remember the importance of modeling when my children were teenagers. They watched me all the time to see if my actions matched my words. One day while I was trying to take a nap, I learned a valuable lesson in this regard. I didn't want to be disturbed, so I had instructed my two boys to "leave me alone!" Looking back, that probably wasn't the best choice of words. It had the same effect as throwing fresh meat on the floor and instructing two puppies to "stay!" The problem was that my boys had seen me play plenty of practical jokes on others. I was in real trouble!

As I was sleeping comfortably in my chair, Greg and Michael determined this would be an excellent opportunity to give me a taste of my own medicine. They sneaked up behind me and poured warm water down my throat as I lay snoring. As I started to choke and gag, the boys ducked behind my chair. Dazed from being forced out of deep sleep, I was confused about what I had just swallowed. Then it hit me. I was hemorrhaging! I must be having a massive nosebleed!

To keep from dripping blood all over the floor, I cupped my hand over my face and ran toward the bathroom. After crashing into the coffee table and tripping over our dog on the way, I finally made it to the sink. Because I didn't want to faint at the sight of all my blood, I slowly removed my hands and exposed … nothing.

Where's all the blood? I thought as I carefully surveyed my body. I was sure I had felt a large amount of liquid gushing down my throat, so I had anticipated seeing quarts of blood flowing from my nose.

"What's going on?" I yelled.

Then it dawned on me: "Where are Michael and Greg?"

When I returned from the bathroom, I heard snickering coming from behind the chair. "Get out here!" I ordered. "Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?" I challenged after they had moved into the open.

My first instinct was to ground the boys for a year, yell at them for being so "irresponsible," and finally shame them with a few choice words. After all, they'd almost given me a heart attack! But as I stood there facing them, I suddenly remembered all the times I had played jokes on them. It was fair turnabout.

As I was reminded that day, what we do as parents has a tremendous influence on our kids. In areas both trivial and vitally important, they imitate our behavior. Thus, if we want to help our teens learn how to honor God, others, and themselves, we must first demonstrate it. Before I really started to learn the significance of honor, I had to ask for forgiveness so many times. Finally, I realized that honoring my kids right off kept me from constantly needing to ask for forgiveness.

If your teenagers are to develop an appreciation of honor, they first need to see it in you. We're not saying they shouldn't honor people unless they're honored first. But it's a fact of life that teens (or any children) rarely do something they haven't first seen done by their parents. Common sense tells us this as well as the research literature. For example, the aggression children observe in their families while growing up influences the amount and type of aggression in their own marriages. Similarly, how people experience pain seems to be influenced by how important people in their lives have dealt with it.

Since what parents do has such an impact on their children, we encourage you to teach by example. Provide your teenager with a model of how others are to be honored.

But what if you have an angry teenager who is not receptive to the honor you show? Many parents experience this reality. If you find yourself in this position, we encourage you to do several things. First, continue to honor your teen. You can't control his heart, but you can choose to honor him no matter what. Even if you don't "feel" like it, remember that positive feelings flow from a decision to honor.

We urge you to communicate honor to your teenager by placing her in a highly respected position, seeing her as a priceless treasure, and making sure she sees you modeling honor.

4. Suspend judgment and add curiosity.
When Angie and her mother, Nancy, talk about dating, the sparks can really fly. Inside of ten minutes, Nancy usually starts asking Angie barbed questions about her current dating relationship.

"Is Rick just a poorer version of Josh?"

"It's probably a good thing your father isn't around to see this, isn't it?"

"By letting Michael hold your hand aren't you leading him on?"

Angie bristles at the judgment not so well hidden in her mother's questions, and as a result, the mom and daughter almost always end up in a heated argument that leaves both feeling hurt, attacked, and alone. The ironic thing is that Nancy and Angie care deeply for one another. If they didn't, Angie wouldn't care what Nancy said, and Nancy wouldn't care about Angie's relationships.

How can this mom and daughter create a safe environment, where neither feels attacked and both feel loved and cared for? If they came to us, we would recommend that they learn to suspend judgment and instead to adopt an attitude of curiosity—even fascination—into what makes the other "tick."

Judgment acts like dishonor. Judgment closes people up and shuts them down. When people feel judged-as Angie does when she talks to Nancy about her relationships—they usually want to defend themselves and maybe even go on the attack.

Much better things tend to happen when we suspend judgment (on both ourselves and others) and replace it with a genuine interest in the other person.

People usually act and feel the way they do for good reasons. Perhaps Angie really does tend to pick "loser" boyfriends—but maybe she does so because she feels like a loser. Maybe she sees herself through a distorted lens. What if, deep down, she tells herself, I don't deserve anyone better, because I made such a mess of my life in college?

Imagine what might happen if Nancy expresses interest in Angie rather than judging her. Angie says, "Michael and I had a terrible time last night."

Instead of pouncing on Angie for holding Michael's hand and leading him on, which she usually does by word and facial scorn, Nancy says, "You and Michael really enjoy hiking together, don't you? What other things do you like about him?" After Angie mentions Michael's love for art, Nancy expresses genuine interest in her daughter. "You used to paint when you were a freshman. You are so creative. Do you still have your oils?"

Angie is surprised by her mother's interest. She talks about how she has given up on her painting—and feeling safe with Nancy, she finally talks about her feelings of failure.

Do you see what happened here? When Nancy suspends judgment and expresses a genuine interest in her daughter, she creates an environment of safety. This is honor in action. When she hears Angie's view of herself, she can begin to understand Angie's poor dating choices. That discovery most likely will lead Nancy to feel compassion toward her daughter, not judgment. And you know what tends to happen when people sense compassion, don't you? They usually open up.

Compassion and understanding (honor) create a tremendous amount of safety. When a person refuses to judge our motives and instead tries to understand why we did some foolish or hurtful things, that person's compassion encourages us to open up—and our relationship grows. The wall comes down, and the conflict ceases.

Judgment results in defensiveness and closes down relationships, while curiosity results in openness and safety, giving life to relationships. When we express our interest in someone, something energizing occurs. Have you ever met people who are awesome listeners? They seem fascinated with everything you say. They hang on every word. They ask good questions and clearly express an interest in getting to know you. You almost can't help but walk away from people like that without thinking, Gosh, I really like them! I felt so cared for. They seemed so interested in me. You might not even remember the people's names, but you've already decided they are great. Why? Just because they seemed curious and interested in you.

Judgment writes people off, bangs the gavel, and sentences them to fifty years at hard labor. That kind of judgment shuts off discovery. It's as if you've already heard everything you need to hear in order to render your verdict: "That's it. You're finished."

Curiosity says something quite different. It says, "I don't know enough yet to render a verdict, so I'll forget about sentencing for a while. It's true that I don't like what has happened. But I still need to open the door to discovery." One life time is not long enough to really know the true beauty of another person. Besides, everyone makes major changes inside every year, so, you'll never be able to really know everything about one person.

The process of discovery gives life to relationships. If you stay fascinated with your teenagers, you'll never find the end of your opportunity to learn—both about them and about yourself. When you choose to suspend judgment and foster a spirit of curiosity, you keep the relationship safe and alive. You encourage it to grow and deepen.

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

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