One evening while I was in my bedroom on a long distance phone call, my son Greg, five years old at the time, let out a bloodcurdling scream from the master bedroom. He came running to the door, screaming so loudly that I couldn't hear the other person's voice. I could feel my blood pressure rise as I signaled for him to be quiet. I dramatically patted my bottom to let him know what was coming if he didn't shut up immediately. But Greg continued to scream, so I quickly ended my phone conversation, telling the person I'd get back to him later.

When I hung up the phone, I grabbed Greg by the arm and shook him. "Why are you screaming?" I demanded. "Couldn't you see that I was on the phone?"

Without waiting for an answer, I shoved him into the hallway and said, "You get into your bedroom right now." He fell when I pushed him, but got back up, still crying, and hurried into his room. I grabbed the paddle we used for spanking—the entire family had helped decorate it—and told him to lie down on his bed. Then I gave him several hard swats. Satisfied with my discipline, I stood back and thought, That's what you get for violating my rule. You see, no one was supposed to scream when I was on the phone—I wouldn't want people to think my family was out of control.

It was our custom after spanking to hold the child and reaffirm our love for him. But this time, something took place that scared me. Greg was still crying. He stood up and the look in his eyes said, "I hate you." He backed away from me to let me know he didn't want me to touch him. I suddenly realized what I had done, and I knew that if I didn't take immediate action, there might be serious consequences in our relationship. Fortunately, someone had taught me what to do, and within a few moments, we were hugging each other on his bed, back in full fellowship and harmony.

In the U.S., we are suffering from an overwhelming epidemic of broken relationships. We don't have to look hard to see the evidence. We see it to some degree in every relationship, both inside and outside the home. I hope that I can explain in these next few paragraphs what I know can have a very positive effect on all relationships, especially with our children.

The single most prevalent cause of disharmony within a home is what I have labeled a closed spirit (feeling unsafe).

This is what I saw happening to Greg. When I pushed him in the hallway and screamed at him in harshness, I had poked his spirit (threatened his safety). The greater the harshness, the more the person's safety is threatened. My harshness, pushing, and spanking without finding out the facts were three large poking sticks. When he felt unsafe, he closed himself off. He didn't like me. He didn't want to be near me. He didn't want to talk to me. And he resisted my attempts to touch him. These were the keys that told me that his spirit was closing and he was feeling unsafe. When a child resists affection … that usually means that he does not feel safe.

There are undoubtedly many ways to help open a person's spirit and create a safe environment. There are five ways that have been the most effective in our family and in my counseling:

1. Become tenderhearted
2. Increase understanding
3. Recognize the offense
4. Attempt to touch
5. Seek forgiveness

Each of the five steps was used after I spanked Greg for screaming while I was on the phone. Here is the sequence:

Once I had realized that Greg's spirit was closed and he did not feel safe, I dropped to my knees and my attitude became soft and tender (Become tenderhearted). Gently, I asked him, "Greg, why (Increase understanding) were you screaming in the bathroom?" With his voice trembling as he fought back the tears, he managed to say, "I fell and hit my ear on the bathtub." He showed me his ear which was swollen and bleeding. When I saw what had happened, I felt terrible. I gently said to him, "Greg, I was so wrong (Recognize the offense) to have treated you this way. Daddy's the one who deserved the spanking." Greg wiped his tears and added, "Then when you pushed me in the hall, I hit my same ear on the toy box."

By this time, I felt like a child abuser. I was an irresponsible father and I recognized it. "Greg, Daddy was wrong." I handed him the spanking stick. "I'm the one who deserves to be spanked. I'm the one who needs it." He grabbed the stick and dropped it. He backed up again, not wanting any part of me. I wanted to reach out and touch him (Attempt to touch), but his spirit was still closed to me.

I said, again tenderly, "Greg, I was wrong. I know I don't deserve it, but I wonder if it would be possible for you to find it in your heart to forgive me (Seek forgiveness)." Immediately he threw his arms around me. We fell back on the bed and he laid on my chest for about half on hour as we held each other tightly. After some time, I looked at his ear and asked, "Are you sure you're okay now?" "Yes, Daddy, I forgive you," he said, patting me on the back, "We all make mistakes." From the tone of his voice and the way he touched me, I knew he felt safe again.

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

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