Some examples for this section are borrowed from Foster Cline and Jim Fay's book, Parenting with Love and Logic. We would recommend this book to any parent. It goes into greater detail about teaching children responsibility through natural and logical consequences.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

One of the largest complaints with parents of teenagers is the lack of respect shown from their teenager. Earning respect from our children is the first and most important step. We can not expect respect without earning it first. We earn respect by respecting ourselves and then respecting our teenager.

We are products of what we think of ourselves. The way we act and the way people act toward us comes from our inner sense of ourselves. If we believe and think we are worthless, then other people with do the same. This principle holds true in the parenting realm as well.

We need to believe we are valuable and worth respect. If we don't, our teenagers will take advantage of it. They can take advantage of it because more than likely we wouldn't do anything about it if they did disrespect us. Why would we? We don't think we deserve respect!

Once we believe that we are worth respect, then we can deal with our disrespectful teenagers. Foster and Cline give a great example of how one mother dealt with the disrespect of her two teenage sons.

She feared for her reputation each time she took her two sons in the car with her. They would hang out the window yelling at passing cars while giving them the finger. What they would say to her, personally, was not much better either. She was lost on what to do. She couldn't yell enough, plead enough, or even ignore enough to get her two boys to respect her.

Until the day she realized how little she actually respected herself. When she finally understood that she deserved respect, her situation changed dramatically. One day they were traveling in the car when her two boys started in again mocking the people they encountered. She asked them to stop, but they ignored her like the thousands of times before.

Like all good consultant [Natural consequences] parents, she started to buy time. In other words, she started backpedaling. The first thing she said was, "Did I forget to ask in a nice way?" They said, "You asked in a nice way." She said, "And you're not going to do it?" And they said, "No way. You can't make us get out." "Oh boy, I thought it would work." "It won't work on us." "Well, I'd better think this over." "Yeah, you'd better think this over a whole bunch." "Would you guys mind if I walked across the street to that restaurant and got a cup of coffee while I'm thinking this over?"

These smart-alecky teens said, "Mom, whatever turns you on. You've just got to go for it." So she did, and they felt victorious. Now even louder, they were honking the horn and proving to her that they didn't care what she did. Well after about 20 minutes of this they started to wonder what was happening. Suddenly they noticed one of their mother's friends pull up in front of the coffee shop. Their mother stepped in the car and was off. Hours later her two sons returned home with the lesson learned, "Don't mess with mom!" She finally realized that she needed to command respect with her actions and attitude. This was the first step in the process of teaching her teenage sons that the world doesn't revolve around them.

CURFEW

The following example is about setting curfew with you teenager. This can often become a major battle, but it doesn't have to be a battle. When parenting with natural consequences we are allowing our teenager to make the bulk of the decisions; of coarse with our guidance and support. This conversation is much like the one my (Michael) parents and I had when I was a teenager:

Michael: So, how late can I stay out tonight?
Dad: Well, how late do you need to be out?
Michael: The party isn't over till midnight, so maybe I can get back by 12:30 a.m.
Dad: That seems reasonable to me. But remember what you're suppose do if you're late?
Michael: I know, I need to call first so you know where I am.
Dad: Thanks, we just don't want to have to worry about you, especially if anything happened, we need to know where you are so we can get help.

We need to remember that the world does not impose curfews on adults, except in times of civil emergencies. Our teenagers must be allowed to have the freedom to be responsible. When we impose harsh or strict curfews, or any rule for that matter, it negates their opportunity for growth.

Try imagining that you are holding a palm-full of sand. The tighter you grip the sand the more the sand is going to spill out of your hand. Before too long most of the sand will be gone from your hand. The same is true for our teenagers. The tighter we grip them, the more we are going to lose them. Strict control does not teach our teenagers responsibility, it teaches them that they are incapable of making correct decisions on their own . This translates into adults who are incapable of making decisions because they become paralyzed at the thought of making their own decision.

Besides, most parents do not understand that more control does not mean better behaving teenagers. Quite simply, it typically means more rebellious teenagers. The reason is that parents who are too controlling give their teenagers something to rebel against. When a parent says to us, "If my daughter ever gets pregnant she's out of the house!" We just want to shrivel at these types of statements. Because what we can almost guaranty is that that daughter will make some type of major mistake in trying to rebel from the parents, and more often than not it's getting pregnant.

DATING!

I (Mike) was forced into my first dating experience. Greg was attending Oklahoma University at the time and was returning home for vacation. He wanted to double with me, but that meant that I had to find a date. I think his very words were, "You'd better have a date by Friday, or else!"

The thought was petrifying. I was a sophomore, and was still inexperienced in dating. Monday came and went, Tuesday felt like a blur, and Wednesday the panic set. It was crunch time.

Thank the Lord that finding a date was the hardest part for me that week. Our household didn't frown upon dating or make it into some scary endeavor. My parents did not try and instill fear in me about dating in hopes of preventing any major mistakes. Remember, we can't prevent the mistakes of our teenagers, we can only love them unconditionally as they prod their way through life.

It is important to teach our teenagers proper dating behavior and the consequences of their actions. We don't need to throw them in the fire and hope for the best. However, once we teach and model what is appropriate, we must let them go. Let them experience the joys and pain of dating in high school.

Most importantly, we can not demand that they date certain people. This is a lesson our teenagers should learn on their own. Again, it's not that we can't encourage them to pick the right type of girlfriend or boyfriend, but demanding is just another way to control. By demanding they not date a certain person we are only pushing them in the direction we feared in the first place.

Our teenagers are going to bring home diamonds and coals. This is a part of the learning process that will only help our teenagers in the future when they are ready to pick and find a mate.

When discussing sexual issues with your teenager remember to keep it in a good light. Far too often parents and churches make sex into some evil force waiting to devour our young. This type of view causes problems in teenagers and adults. Cline and Fay write:

Wise parent don't send the message to their children that they will engage in early sex by saying something irresponsible like, "You better watch out! Your emotions will get the best of you and before you know it you'll have sex." Such a pessimistic comment appears to make sexually responsible behavior nearly impossible for teens. So if they engage in sex, teens will then reason, it's something they couldn't help. Much better is for parents to share clearly both good sexual values as well as basic information. You might say, "Dating and intimacy can lead to sexual involvement. Before you take such a step, you need to decide for yourself if having sex before marriage is a wise choice. You already know how I feel about that. But if it does happen I'm sure you will talk to me about it, act responsibly, and accept the consequences of your decision."

You see in this example that they give the decision making over to the teenager. Our teens are not going to make the right choices in dating if they are our choices. Teenagers must make that choice for themselves, because they will anyway. No amount of threats or punishments can keep them safe from making the wrong choice. All we can do is teach them our values, and then let them decide for themselves to make them their values.

3rd article in a 3 part series on natural consequences:
Parenting Essentials: Natural Consequences
Why are natural consequences important?
Concrete examples of natural consequences.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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