We will always be parents to our children, even when they have children of their own. However, we can not always be in control of their lives. At some point we are forced to let them leave the nest and fly off on their own. This can be one of the hardest aspects of parenting, but it is one of the most important. So we need to know how to best prepare our teenagers for the big, scary world just waiting to eat them up. One of the greatest things we can do for our children is allow them to think for themselves and make some of their own decisions. When doing this, we must also let them deal with their own consequences.

Accomplishing this will only help our teenager for future decisions. Why not let them make poor choices as teenagers instead of poor choices as adults? Adult mistakes are inevitably more damaging than a teenager's.

Picture letting them make their own choices as practice. The more opportunities they are given to make a choice on their own, the better they will become at making the right choice. When a bad choice is made, it hurts, we all know this principle too well. Most people want to avoid hurtful feelings, and thus our teenagers will try to avoid poor decisions because of the consequences.

Sheltering our teenagers from making poor choices is more devastating then the choices themselves. Our teenagers grow through painful events in their lives, but it is not all about poor choices. Our teenagers are capable, it might be hard to believe, of making correct choices. When they do make the right decision, they will be rewarded. The reward for making good, thought out choices will encourage our teenagers to make more good decisions. It is like a snowball effect. A good choice stacked up on a good choice gets the ball rolling. A ball of good choices is sure hard to stop once it starts plunging. The same, tragically, is true of poor choices. They too will add up and get momentum going in the wrong way.

Natural consequences are important because they allow our teenagers to take responsibility for themselves. Behavioral training can only go so far with our children in respects to teaching them responsibility. By behavioral we mean imparting rewards and punishments for certain behaviors our children do right or wrong. This approach is popular because of its relatively quick results with children. However, behavioral methods merely train our children to do what's right, and does not necessarily teach them why they do what is right. It is the why that is most important for children and especially teenagers to learn. The why is responsibility. Let us not forget that the behavioral methods of teaching, or training, our children was developed by a man working with dogs.

Foster Cline and Jim Fay, in their wonderful book on natural consequences, Parenting with Love and Logic, wrote:

One thing for sure we can't tell kids is "be responsible." It doesn't work. Have you ever noticed that the parents who yell the loudest about responsibility seem to have the most irresponsible kids? The most responsible children usually come from families where parents almost never use the word responsibility.

I (Michael) can remember my first client as a clinical therapist. It was an exciting time, and I looked forward to jumping in and tackling the problems of this family. The issues seemed simple enough. It was a single parent household, and the mother was having some difficulty with disciplining her nine-year old son. This was not abnormal, especially considering that the divorce had not been pretty.

As they entered my office I noticed nothing that could have prepared me for what was about to happen. The session started normally, I was asking them about the history of their problem and any specifics they thought were important for me to know. Suddenly I was listening to the mother describe a child who could not possibly exist. She recounted times where this innocent looking boy of nine would attack her and destroy the house they were living in. I remember thinking to myself that she must be over-exaggerating. Surely this child could not be capable of such violence.

Then I realized what she was talking about. The child looked at me and asked for some candy. I did not have any candy and calmly explained this to the child, of course being the consummate therapist. Then he struck! It literally felt like lightning had struck my office.

Before I could even think the boy had leaped across the room attacking me with force never experienced in my lifetime. "What in the world!" is all I could think. I had no idea what to do, somehow all my training at Wheaton College never prepared me for a client attacking me. Shocked, I tried to block his desperate attempts at punching or kicking me. The worse part was that I did not know what I was allowed to do in trying to protect myself. Could I punch back? I first thought to myself. This did not seem like an appropriate solution. Then, the boy made the choice for me because he got in a good smack to my face, and I figured enough was enough.

I grabbed him as tightly as possible and fell back into one of the couches in my office. He was screaming bloody-murder and I realized that my next clients would probably be missing for their appointment. I was now holding his arms and had my legs wrapped around his. This, I quickly realized, was not the best way to restrain an attacking child. But how was I suppose to know what the best way to restrain an attacking client!

Before I could catch my breath, this boy turned his head and with all his force bit the inner part of my thigh, all too close to my manhood! The pain was excruciating, and I let go not knowing what to do. At this, he leaped out of my lap and bolted out the door. This was not a good scenario. Not only had he wrecked my office, but now I was going to lose a client. He was flying down the street in the dead-of-winter in Chicago, Illinois.

I quickly glanced at his mother, who offered no solutions, and then headed out the door after him. After about a hundred yards I was finally able to catch him and had to drag him, kicking and screaming, back to my office. Believe it or not I was able to calm him down by the power of the Holy Spirit, and we were all able to finish our time in peace, WHEW!

The point of the story is to show what happens to children of smothering parents. This is an extreme case, but it proves our point. Children, and especially teenagers, feel an urgency for responsibility. Smothering our teenagers with fear will only cause them to lash out in any number of ways.

A website entitled, "Ten Keys to Successful Parenting", from the International Network for Children and Families, and the 350 instructors of the "Redirecting Children's Behavior" course wrote this in regards to parents releasing power:

The Third Key—Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful;
If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.

At this point many parents feel like we are asking them to neglect their children. "What do you mean we have to allow them to make mistakes, or give them more power? We're just trying to protect them. Isn't that what a parent is for?" These are legitimate questions. However, let us not confuse the principles. As Cline and Fay put it, "to protect them is not to love them."

Protection is only a part of parenting, but it is not the totality. Protection left unbalanced hurts our teenager's as well as ourselves. We need to balance protection with natural consequences and the releasing of power.

So how does this work?

The man who has ceased to fear has ceased to care.

Fear, at times, is mind numbing. So too is letting go of control, and frankly the protection of our children. "I mean, that's what your asking me to do", we've heard clients tell us before, "to just let them get hurt".

Fear is the single biggest obstacle hindering the system of natural consequences. It is fear of letting go of the control that helps soothe our worrying minds. It is fear from realizing that our teenager is going to make mistakes, some potentially big. Fear that our teenager will reject us when we don't step in on occasion to help them in times of need.

These are all legitimate fears. Like the quote, they show how much we care for our children. We care about making the right choices as parents. We care about the future well-being of our children. We care that our children do not grow up to be irresponsible adults. Which is why we need to make natural consequences a part of our parenting style.

The first major step in implementing natural consequences is not letting our fears prevent us from doing what is best for our teenager. Because even though fear can show how much we care for our children, there is another side to fear. A side rearing its ugly head each time we become too unbalanced in fear; allowing fear to make the choices and not sound judgment.

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.

Sometimes parents misuse natural consequences to neglect and mock their children. "You see, we let you do this for yourself, because those Smalley guys said so, and now look. You've screwed up big this time!" We have actually heard parents tell their teenagers this. The second important principle to making natural consequences work in our homes is: BE ENCOURAGING.

Our children need the love and support of their parents. If we ridicule our teenagers for making the wrong choice they will only learn to resent us as parents. We must provide love and support for our children when they suffer the consequences of their choices.

Like the time I (Michael) was determined to be the hero of a very important skit being performed at Kanakuk Kamps. I know now that my parents were not fond of the idea of what I had to do in the skit, but allowed me to make the decision for myself.

It was a skit at the closing of camp. All the kids and their families would gather around the pool for one last finale. Non stop action would best describe what the skit was about. We had people flying all over the equipment at the main pool for the pure enjoyment of the crowd. Much of the action was actually quite dangerous, and especially the job I chose.

Yes, I allowed my masculine absurdity to get in the way of good sound thinking. Because I chose to perform the skit-ending dive off the high-dive of the pool; which was about 15 feet high. Of course diving off the high dive might not sound too crazy, but when you're sitting in the bowl of a kayak, things become a tad more dangerous.

I can remember looking at the faces in the crowd, all of them wondering exactly what I was doing sitting on the high-dive in a blue kayak. Nearing the end of the skit the crowd realized that one of the counselors was pushing me off the high-dive while I remained in the kayak. People started erupting in cheers to see how this was going to turn out. My parent were not as enthused.

I had not actually thought about practicing this stunt, and frankly who would! I just figured that the counselor had to push me hard enough to clear the kayak off the board. I imagined that if he didn't push hard enough, the kayak might start falling before the back end of it got off the board. This would mean flipping upside down and falling 15 feet to the water on my head, and landing upside down.

Guess what? He didn't push hard enough! I landed so hard and awkward that it actually knocked the wind out of me. Though this didn't really matter considering my head was under water and I couldn't have breathed even if I wanted to. The impact from the fall made me drop my paddle, so now I couldn't roll back over in order to breathe again. It felt like an eternity. No one thought to actually jump in the pool and flip me over, no that would take away from the drama. The crowd was probably thinking it was all part of the act. I, on the other hand, felt very differently!

My only chance of getting back over was to try a hand-role, which is basically using just your hands to flip the kayak upright. I had never been able to do this before, but considering the danger I was in of drowning in front of thousand of people, I figured I better learn.

Luckily God was with me, and somehow I managed to flip the kayak back upright. My parents warned me of the danger of this stunt. They could have reminded me of this fact as I gasped for air on the side of the pool. But they did not. Instead they chose to hug me, for who knows what I was planning next!

When our children make poor choices, instead of rebuking them, why not support them in their time of need. This does not mean we are condoning their actions. What it does mean, or at least the message our teenagers perceive, is that no matter what my parents will love me. This acceptance for who they are and not what they do is extremely important in the development of responsibility.

Our teenagers can not be afraid of making choices in their lives out of fear from rejection by their parents. They need to be free to become who they truly are, and not someone molded from fear of rejection.

Working with natural consequences is not a complicated set of rules and regulations. It truthfully is about letting go of control and fear; always being encouraging and loving when our teenager goes through tough times.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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