We consistently underestimate it. Undersell it. Undervalue it. Under use it. Yet touch has the power to instantly calm, reassure, transfer courage, and stabilize a situation beginning to spin out of control. To the degree that we choose to employ it in our family relationships, we will push back the threatening shadows of anger, bitterness, loneliness, and insecurity.

Whether a person is struggling mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically, a tender touch has the capacity to bring calmness and healing. But touch is also very important to communicate concern, love, and value during the quieter seasons of life. Medical studies show that men who meaningfully hug and touch others are actually more healthy and live longer than those who do not!

Everyone needs to be touched. We believe God not only ordained and mandated it, He modeled it in Christ. Husbands and wives need to decide they will regularly hold, touch, and caress each other.

Dads need to make sure they are holding their children regularly, reading to them, and taking walks where holding hands or an arm around the shoulder is as natural as taking the next step. Both moms and dads should look for ten to twenty opportunities every day to extend physical contact to their children. It creates closeness, cements a sense of belonging and security, and it a major factor in family health.

Many parents don't realize it, but every child has a touch "bank," and to the degree we maintain a healthy balance in that account, we are helping them to resist immoral relationships and a host of other harmful substitutes for the parental tenderness they crave.

We recently heard a moving story of a little seven-year-old boy who pictures to an extreme the deep need every child has to be held and meaningfully touched.

Brian was the last of seven children. When he was only four, his father deserted the family and left the mother as the sole support. To put bread on the table for seven hungry mouths, Brian's mother had to take on two jobs-and get even less sleep than before. Brian adapted to his mother's new schedule as best he could, relying on the other children to care for most of his needs. But there was something that would fill his thoughts from the time his mother left early in the morning to the time she came home late at night.

"Mommy," he'd cry when he saw her. "Hold me! Hold me!"

Exhausted by her grueling days and overloaded by the pressures of trying to keep the family together, the last thing this mother wanted was a four-year-old jumping into her arms when she got home. In no uncertain terms, she would push him aside, always explaining that she just "needed some time and space" before interacting with the children.

Perhaps an adult could understand why she needed her "space." But denying this little boy his deep need for meaningful touch was like pushing him away from the only source of heat in the home on a cold, winter night.

In a desperate attempt to bring some kind of security and closeness to his life, little Brian would wonder into his mother's room at night, before she came home. Often, he would take one of her blouses or undergarments to bed with him. Holding on to her clothing and having her smell around him was the only thing that could stop the tears and help him fall off into sleep. As a seven-year-old, struggling in his studies, Brian had taken a piece of his mother's clothing to school with him, again to give him that reassurance he missed along with his mother's touch. But when it fell out of his shirt during recess, a compassionate teacher uncovered the real reason behind him bringing it, and got Brian and his family some much needed help.

Brian's story isn't an isolate done. Studies on touch deprivation prove that infants and children can actually sicken and die from the lack of touch. An incident that came to our attention very recently confirmed our convictions about this crucial aspect of my (John's) family bonding.

© Copyright 2002 Smalley Relationship Center

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