When your teen's spirit is closed, because of your own actions, it is important to reflect tenderness, increase your own understanding, admit the offense, and seek forgiveness. If you follow these four steps and your teen still refuses to forgive you, there are several possible reasons:

• The offense was deeper than you realized.
• He wants to see your behavior change first.
• She may have been offended by someone outside the family as well.
• He may not have had time to think through what happened.
• She has a general resentment toward everyone around her.
• Simply asking forgiveness doesn't erase everything that has happened.
• You can't possibly understand how deeply he has been hurt.

Whatever the reason, the best thing to do is to be patient with your teenager. Don't feel that just because you have started doing some things differently and have sought forgiveness, your teen will be able to forgive you right away.

One way to picture what can happen is to imagine your offended teen as someone who has been out in cold weather too long. After the skin becomes numb, he or she can no longer feel the painful wind. In the same way, some teens seem indifferent or callous toward a parent because the relationship has gone on so long without the warmth of forgiveness for offenses committed. Once you seek forgiveness, however, it's like soaking that numb skin in warm water. Although the warm bath (forgiveness) is healthy, it doesn't bring instant relief. Instead, it initially causes a painful, tingling sensation. It first makes the skin feel worse before it begins to feel better. Likewise, it might take your hurting teenager some time to warm up to your forgiveness.

No matter how he responds, never drop the issue altogether simply because he isn't ready to forgive. Let the situation "warm up" for a while on its own; then come back and repeat the four steps.

Perhaps your act of tenderness was not what your teen needed. You may need to choose another way to demonstrate softness.

Maybe your teen did not feel you listened to her pain. We can't emphasize enough the importance of listening. Ask yourself, Did I really listen to my offended child? Was I trying to defend my actions or justify why I behaved the way I did? If you're not sure, go back and listen carefully to her pain or frustration.

It may also be that your teen did not feel you were sincere in taking ownership of your part of whatever conflict closed his heart. Perhaps you came close to taking responsibility but didn't clearly acknowledge your fault. If that's the case, it will be difficult for your teen to forgive you. It's like trying to build something on sand; the foundation will always be shaky. But taking ownership of your mistakes is like laying four feet of reinforced concrete as the foundation of your relationship with your child.

Another powerful way to honor your teen if they don't want to forgive is to "honor their walls." Huh? One of the ways that parents make that their children feel unsafe is to misunderstand and dishonor walls. Walls are experienced as obstacles that stand in the way of achieving intimacy and connection with people we care about. Therefore, it only seems natural and reasonable that we make our objective to "breakdown the walls" that stand between us. However, as logical as this may sound, it has the unfortunate effect of making the journey towards intimacy more difficult.

Teens erect walls when they feel unsafe or threatened. They actively maintain those walls in response to a perceived threat. When anyone, themselves included, attempts to tear down those walls, scale the walls, judge the walls, or dishonor the walls in any way, the result is to increase the feeling of threat. They feel less safe, not more. The more threatened the teen feels, the more they will work to maintain the wall, thus making intimacy more difficult.

The alternative is to honor the walls and care about the feelings of your son or daughter behind them. When you recognize that your children only erect walls when they feel unsafe, anytime you encounter a wall you know that the person behind the wall feels unsafe, and you can choose to care more about that person and those feelings than getting what you want. It is generally even irrelevant whether or not the perceived threat is real or imagined. Just the fact that your son or daughter feels unsafe matters significantly.

If you determine that you are unwilling to do anything to cause your teenager to feel more unsafe, and instead find ways to care about and protect him or her behind the wall, people will generally lay the wall down in time. It takes a lot of energy to maintain walls and fortresses, and most people would rather use that energy to live and love and have good, safe, satisfying, intimate relationships.

If you continue to try these steps and your teen still refuses to forgive you, we urge you not to adopt an attitude of, "Well, if she won't forgive me, that's her problem. I did my part." If you take up that mindset, the problem may never be resolved.

But this also means not assuming all the responsibility. Just as you need to keep forgiving your teen for hurtful words and actions, so your teenager is responsible to forgive you. You can be faithful to seek forgiveness and own your part of the problem. But you cannot take an inferior or guilt-ridden position if your teen consistently refuses to forgive you.

You may want to have someone hold you accountable for how you handle the situation—correcting your mistake and seeking forgiveness, yet not taking more than your share of the blame. It's possible to try too hard and get locked into feeling guilty and shameful. God does not want us to get stuck in shame if our children refuse to forgive. Do your part, but then allow God to work in your son or daughter's life.

Remember, opening a teenager's closed heart involves reflecting tenderness, increasing your own understanding, admitting the offense, and seeking forgiveness. If this process doesn't work, repeat the steps, but make changes in the way you tried them the first time. If you keep doing things the same way, you're likely to keep getting the same results.

There's no set number of times to repeat the steps if your child won't forgive you. Each situation is different, and so is each teen. Turn the process over to God, find an accountability partner, and continue to love and forgive your teen.

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© Copyright 2006 Smalley Relationship Center

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