Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. (The Bible)

When my (Gary's) daughter, Kari, was 16, I once managed to close her spirit down tight in anger in just a few minutes.

We were on our way to a high-school basketball game to see her "heartthrob" boyfriend. In the past, we'd had fun together on outings when it was just the two of us. We sang, stopped for fast food, and talked about everything—and I mean that literally, because Kari can really talk. But this time, something very different happened.

"Dad," she said hesitantly as we were discussing her boyfriend, "I'm really starting to like Roger. I think I love him."

Love. I'd never had an adverse reaction to that word before. But coming out of my daughter's mouth in that context, it made me exhale so hard that pop squirted out my nose. Embarrassed and struggling to regain my composure, I said, "Pardon me, but did you say love? You think you're in love with Roger?"

"Yes," Kari said, looking at me as if I were strange. "You probably couldn't hear me with all that Pepsi blowing out your nose. Anyway, do you know what the best part is? We've even talked about the possibility of getting married some day."

Thank goodness I hadn't taken a bite of my hamburger or to this day it might still be lodged somewhere in my nasal cavity. "You've what?!" I demanded. "I can take the love thing, but if you guys are talking about marriage, that's where I draw the line! You're only 16 years old, for crying out loud!"

Our "discussion" quickly got so heated that I had to pull off the road. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. With tears filling her eyes, Kari finally fell silent and stared out the window, away from me.

I didn't know what to do next. Should we sit there? Should I keep driving? Should I go park in a convenience store lot and wait for things to cool down? (I needed a new Pepsi anyway.) One thing I quickly realized was that I had been wrong to react the way I had. Kari had trusted me with something special and secret. But instead of getting excited over her "puppy" love, I had sprayed pop at her. I didn't remember ever teaching that method at my seminar on loving relationships.

I was tempted to get defensive—to explain that, as a father, I was having trouble imagining any male "gorilla" taking my little girl away. But instead of saying something, I said nothing. We ended up going to the basketball game after all, but we didn't say another word to each other until we arrived back home around midnight.

Unresolved anger is the number one enemy of our teens' healthy development and spiritual growth. But what does anger look like? What are its main ingredients?

Psychologist Gary Oliver, in a study of anger, found that it's made up of three primary emotions: hurt feelings, frustration, and fear or feeling unsafe. Anger is really a secondary emotion that springs out of these other three.

Think of how many times each day we feel these primary emotions. For example, the traffic is frustrating, our boss hurts our feelings, and some of the places we drive through make us fearful. We need to find ways to reduce these emotions daily or we will suffer the negative consequences. It's true for both parents and teens.

What are the results of unresolved anger? For one thing, when anger is not dealt with for weeks, it can create a subtle distancing from others. The more anger we store inside, the more we tend to sabotage our closest relationships by saying and doing things that alienate others. It's almost as if we say, "Don't get too close to me; it's not safe for me or you."

Spiritually, unresolved anger causes us to "walk in the dark." We fail to understand how to love others or how to stay out of daily, self-inflicted "trials."

Emotionally, being loaded with anger tends to lower our sense of worth. It also closes a teenager's heart. For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them. (Matt 13:15). We may also feel like victims. We tend to be less sensitive to the feelings of others and can therefore appear to be less warm and caring than we would be otherwise. We might even become more prone to depression and thoughts of suicide.

Physically, we can experience greater stress and find ourselves more susceptible to all kinds of illnesses, because prolonged anger tends to weaken our immune system.

From just these few observations about the effects of anger, you can see why anger needs to be dealt with promptly and its level kept low in your home.

After I offended Kari that day by reacting so negatively to her "love" news, I had to become soft with her. Although speaking face to face is the preferred method, you can utilize other means as well. For example, the next day after dishonoring Kari, I wrote her a note expressing, among other things, my love for her and my desire for another chance to talk with her. She has held on to its few words ever since:

Dear Kari,
Last night I made another major mistake. I was wrong to react the way I did. I love you. I would really appreciate another opportunity to hear about your feelings for Roger. Maybe you could tell me tonight over a Pepsi.
Love, Dad

Saying things like "I love you" or "You're such an important person" are great ways to communicate softness.

I was tempted to defend why I had behaved in that manner. I wanted to say, "You just don't dump something like that on your father," "You were yelling at me, too," or "It's no big deal." But listening quietly to our teenagers is the way to make major progress toward opening their hearts. Later that same night, when Kari and I finally talked to each other again, I asked what it had felt like to have me react that way. As I listened to her describe her feelings, I simply validated them and empathized with what that must have felt like.

I knew that after closing Kari's heart that night, I had to seek her forgiveness as well. Once I swallowed my pride, it wasn't difficult to do. And although it won't be this easy every time, Kari was able to instantly forgive me. I could tell by looking at her body language that her heart was totally open once again. We could now go out for a Pepsi and enjoy our conversation.

© Copyright 2006 Smalley Relationship Center

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