Children can become discouraged for a number of reasons—an injury, lack of progress, knowing there is always someone who is just a little bit better. Any of these reasons can make a child lose his energy. The easiest way for children to regain that energy is for someone who cares to put his arm around them, touch their hand, or pat them on the back. When someone really listens to how they are feeling, it pumps energy into them and motivates them to pick up at the point where they otherwise would have quit in discouragement.

While training for my first marathon, I was running on the shoulder of a major freeway in Portland, Oregon. Lost in my thoughts, I was startled by a motorist shouting at me with his fist clenched in what appeared to be hostility toward runners. Then I noticed his smile and heard him shout, "Go for it! It's great to see you out here! You can do it!" Tears came to my eyes as he drove off and a burst of energy surged through my body. I literally bounced down the highway. Support like that is highly motivating.

When a child is discouraged, try the touching and listening approach: "Tell me about it," you say as you put your arm around the child. "You're really hurting today, aren't you? Do you want to talk about it?" or "I know it's hard, but you can do it."

As you touch your child, you are not only sharing with him, you are energizing him. You are not pitying him, as that can bring you both down. What you are doing is touching to listen, to understand.

After trying this, let some time go by before you start telling your child how to back on course. Sometimes we try to get everything corrected too quickly and we drain the child's energy. Give him time. You'll be surprised at just how energizing touching and listening alone can be.

With any motivational tool, we must remember that lasting motivation must come from within the child. Motivational techniques such as coercion, threats, and bribing are only temporary. Our job as parents is to help our children set goals and believe in them enough to see them accomplished, and whenever possible, use our resources to help them achieve those goals.

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

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