Q: Over the last few years, my husband stopped being affectionate with me. I miss him just holding my hand or putting arms around my waist. Now, he acts like we are just two buddies out for the evening. How can I get him to realize how much I miss that without putting him on the defensive?

A: To raise the frequency of NST's (Non-sexual touches) in your marriage, you must start by creating security. There are dozens of reasons a husband stops connecting physically with his mate. Lack of desire, years married, unresolved anger, sexual addiction and relational comfort are just a few of the roots for the lack of NST's and sexual intimacy in marriage.

To raise the frequency of NST's in your marriage, start by working on yourself. This will create security.

Early on in marriage, we live in the world of curiosity and fascination. We spend countless hours getting to know the one we love. We ask great questions diving deep into the heart of our mate and lover.

Marriage brings two new components: duty and responsibility. When you are dating or first married, you don't share bills, household chores and child-rearing. We can't deny or resist the entrance of duty and responsibility into our lives. But the key is to not let it overtake your marriage.

The key is not to replace curiosity and fascination with duty and responsibility. We must balance them all. My wife did not fall in love with me because of my job or the fact that I was great at mowing the lawn, but because I got to know her.

To bring balance back to your marriage and to raise the frequency of NST's, start to ask each other great questions again. Don't ask questions to get your way, but rather to get to know him. Keep a regular date night free from distraction. Revisit some of the places you frequented on your first dates. If they are too far away, reminisce about your favorite restaurants, past vacations, honeymoon spot, and so on.

After 40 years of marriage, I am still finding out new nuggets about Norma. I am very fascinated by her!

Never stop asking questions. Never stop mining for nuggets in your love's heart.

Norma and I love eating at Joe's Crab Shack in our hometown of Branson, Missouri. We usually end our night out with a brisk walk along beautiful Lake Taneycomo. You would think that after 40 years of marriage there was nothing more to learn about the person you married. Not true! Though I know how Norma will respond to just about every situation, she still surprises me.

One Thursday night, we finished up our lobster bisque at Joe's and headed for our walking path when Norma's knee hurt and became very weak. I thought for sure she would want me to help her back to the car. Wrong! She looked down at her knee and said, "I'm going to walk tonight and if I have to, I am going to drag you along behind me." I was shocked. So, I grabbed her hand and we continued.

It saddens me to think of a couple who live together but are no longer fascinated by the actions and life of each other. I'm blessed to get to spend a lifetime as a student of my mate.

Live in fascination, wonder and awe of your mate. Watch what that does for security! Watch how that increases the Non-sexual touches!

Blessings

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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