Q: I know it is important to keep short accounts in marriage, but letting go of anger is so hard for me. How can I keep little irritations from destroying my marriage?

A: Keep two things in mind.

Anger Makes Us Less Sensitive

It's harder for us to get intimate or close to people when we're angry. Angry people have a difficult time becoming close friends. Here's the reason: Angry people sabotage relationships because they don't feel comfortable being close. They say and do things to keep other people at a distance.

Imagine that you're trying to love your spouse or your kids and they block you out. They don't let you touch them; or when you say, "I love you," they don't say anything back to you. You probably wonder, What's going on here?

Almost always it's because they have anger tucked away in their hearts, and it's growing inside, breeding dissension and rebellion. When there is love and peace in a home, most kids automatically and naturally accept their parents' values. But if anger is present, kids find the things they don't like about their parents and hone in on those things.

Anger also makes you less sensitive in your marriage. When anger is allowed to get a foothold, you find yourself less sensitive to your spouse, less willing to serve and less quick to forgive. That's why maintaining forgiveness in a marriage is so crucial to the health of the relationship.

Anger Consumes Intimacy

Anger is like an ember that never goes out. It may look like it's dormant, but when the wind of right circumstances comes along, it flames up. Knowing there's something there—an ember of anger—but being unable to identify the exact source undermines trust in a relationship. Before you know it, intimacy wanes. Communication shuts down. Distance becomes the new norm.

The good news is that there is a solution: forgiveness. While anger breeds death in a relationship, forgiveness fosters life. It instills hope and reconciliation. Forgiveness opens the lines of honest communication. Forgiveness allows people to discover new depths of understanding in each other. Forgiveness is the Miracle-Gro for love; when it is added to a relationship, new life and excitement and energy can't help but abound.

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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