Q: I've really been struggling in one of my relationships and I don't know how to handle it. What do you do when someone keeps apologizing but isn't sincere?

A: The sincerity of the apology is not a determining factor in whether or not you forgive. Forgiveness is the only answer, sincere apology or not. However, the sincerity of the apology does determine the boundaries you set.

Don't consume your energy about worrying about what your loved one did to you. We are not in control of them, and thus we can't make them seek forgiveness nor accept our own forgiveness. We can only control our own lives and how we behave toward our loved ones.

Be careful not to confuse forgiveness with accepting or condoning what someone did. You might think, "If I forgive my assailant, then what he did is excused!" It is important to understand that forgiveness has nothing to do with "condoning" someone's actions against you. It has everything to do with freeing us to move beyond the offense and gain new and more refined strength and stability only available through God's grace.

It doesn't help a relationship—not in the least—to focus on all the "stuff" you think the other person needs to change. Don't allow your forgiveness to become a tool for their behavior modification. Let God alone change them, not you. It's useful to address what you are doing, to look at your own thoughts and reactions, and to ponder your own emotions. It does help when you do your own personal work.

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

Print this page

E-mail this page

Bookmark this page

Back to top