Q: My husband and I have been married for 2 years. I recently discovered how serious his porn addiction is. We have discussed it and he has stated that he will work on his problem. Here's the kicker; I have discovered Screen names with inappropriate material included in his profiles. Unfortunately, my expressing my sadness, fears, and trust issues has created some resentment. He is blaming me for his Habit. He is stressed because I am out of work (6 weeks) and have not yet been able to find employment. This has been a release from him, a fantasy life. This fantasy life concerns me more than the pornography. I feel like I don't know him, I don't trust him and consider his actions infidelity. My husband will not attend counseling sessions and feels I need to learn to communicate. I have asked God to help as I know I cannot change him, but God can.

I am not a great communicator and I am reading several of Gary's books in an effort to understand, communicate and love my husband in spite of all that's happened.

My question is this: How do I let my husband know that dishonesty, infidelity or fantasy play is not acceptable in an honorable, God loving relationship? Am I being unreasonable by being intolerant?

A: Let me answer your last question first. No, it is not unreasonable to be intolerant of this behavior. You compared pornography addiction to infidelity and that is more than reasonable, it is biblical. Jesus linked lust and adultery, so I believe that you are correct.

Now, your question on how do I let my husband know that dishonesty, infidelity or fantasy play is not acceptable in an honorable, God loving relationship? Creating boundaries in your marriage will require you to guard your heart, home and bedroom. Your husband's fantasy life and pornography addiction are linked. Here is what you must be aware of, sexual addiction can escalate. At some point, your husband's addiction may escalate to forcing pornography upon you or sexual encounters with people he meets on the internet. Guarding your heart and home starts by you making the bold assertion that this behavior will not be tolerated in your life or in your bedroom. If your husband's addiction has already escalated to encounters with others, then you need to guard yourself physically as well by being tested for STD's.

You also need to know that you probably have not uncovered all that is going on in your husband's life. The fact that he blames you shows that he is unwilling to accept personal responsibility for his life and addiction. You do not take this responsibility upon your shoulders. You are not to blame. He is responsible before the Lord for the addiction.

A final word of encouragement: Your husband CAN be set free from this addiction. If he is not a believer, God can save him. You must do these two things. First, pray for him all throughout the day. Cry out to God for the deliverance of your husband and your marriage. Second, model the life of Christ. By your gentle and quiet spirit your husband can be influenced. Set your boundaries at home and in the bedroom, but don't preach at him. That won't work.

I want to encourage you to learn more about the characteristics and cycle of sexual addiction. Being equipped will help you minister to your husband. The Smalley Relationship Center has teamed up with Dr. Mark Laaser to produce a 2 ½ hour DVD called Freedom Begins Here. This series is a powerful tool to help men and women who want to be set free from sexual addiction. It also is a tool for spouses and parents of addicts.

To learn more about Freedom Begins Here, check out the FBH Personal Toolkit on our website. Click Here for More Information on Freedom Begins Here

We're called to freedom! Let's live it!

Blessings!

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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