Q: Remarriage has only been hard because of the children. The kids were all on board for my husband and I getting married, but now that we are married they seem to fight us all the way. Our home is a mess. The kids don't get along. My husband and I fight over parenting styles and how far we can go in disciplining each other's children. How can we become a real family.

A: Expectations are compounded when couples bring children into a second marriage. There are a host of expectations for second marriages when children are part of the package. Most expectations center around what kind of blended family you will shoot for.

There are four types of step families:

The blended-traditional family most resembles the traditional family and is the healthiest model. Both mom and dad understand that there needs to be open and honest communication between each other and the biological parents. Conversation over parenting styles is frank and includes the expectation that bonding as a family will take time. Tension and "side-taking" is limited because the husband and wife (now in a second marriage) present a united front with the children.

The blended-idealistic family lives with the idea that they will operate as a traditional family in short time. These two expectations need to be resolved. First, the blended family will never be a traditional family. Second, even attempts to become a blended-traditional family will take time. The expectations of instant unity, cohesion, bliss and co-parenting leads to a large gap of stress.

The blended-matriarchal family presents a home where mom is most definitely in charge and runs the show. Her husband follows her lead. She expects him to become a buddy to the children. He is to know of the whereabouts and the do and don'ts of the child, but he is given clear limitations on discipline.

The blended-patriarchal family presents a home where dad is the leader and runs the show. Mom follows his lead in most areas, but handles the discipline of her biological children. Much like the blended-matriarchal home, mom still expects her husband to be a buddy to the children.

Common Expectations a spouse brings to the blended family:

• Cohesion and unity will take a little time, but once achieved all will be bliss.



• We will co-parent the children.



• We will love each other's children the same as our own.



• Favoritism will not exist in our home.



• As a couple, we will present a united front to the children. They will not be able to play us against each other.

Here are some realistic expectations for all blended families:

• Cohesion and unity take time.



• The blended family will never be a traditional family.

Adjusting expectations will help in reducing stress in your family. It starts with you and your husband getting on the same page with expectations for your marriage and parenting.

Blessings as you make Christ the center of your home!

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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