Q: Couple of things about my sex life have really been frustrating me. My husband is a plain vanilla lover. Our love making is boring and quick. We have a good marriage but a boring bedroom. Are we normal? What can a Christian couple do to spice it up a bit?

A: I'm encouraged when I meet strong Christian couples who are not afraid to explore each other with creative sexual methods and settings. Breaking routine is healthy for your sexual intimacy. A lot of Christians get uncomfortable when we try to combine the words "creative" and "sex." However, I believe that God wants us to cultivate creativity in our sex lives. We are creatures of habit. I know many marriages reflect that old sign found on a rugged Alaskan highway: "Choose your rut carefully; you'll be in it for the next 200 miles." But let's be frank: A rut is nothing more than a grave with both ends knocked out. Predictable and familiar, ruts offer us false security and can drain the life right out of a marriage.

Ever wonder where the romance went? Ever seem like you are drifting? That loss of romance and that drifting are the result of ruts. The reason the romance seemed so exciting at first is because it was new and fresh. Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage and family-life expert, calls it "the tingles." Remember when you had the tingles for your wife? Remember when you couldn't get enough of your husband? Ever want to get those days back? Guess what? You can!

Key Cautions:

1. One reason affairs get started is because individuals are looking for "greener, fresher, newer grass." Greener grass deceives you into believing that you must go outside of the marriage to experience greater heights of sexual intimacy, without all the responsibility. That's simply not true.



2. Do not spice up the bedroom by introducing pornography into the marriage. Many Christian couples are being deceived into the lie that this will enhance love making by giving you greater stimulation. It is immoral and is NOT the creativity we are talking about.



3. Now whenever people combine the words "creativity" and "sex," a lot of minds run toward the words "kinky" and "perverse." But that's not the case at all! Creativity is healthy and may be just what your humdrum sex life is looking for. The best part is that you can enjoy it guilt-free and with greater passion than ever.



4. The following lists for couples who would consider their marriage growing and healthy. I would never recommend that you add creativity to the bedroom to fix sexual struggles due to a poor relationship. No Way!

HUSBANDS, Here are a few ideas for becoming more creative lovers:

1. Call her from work. Anything you can do throughout the day that says, "I'm thinking about you," will prepare her. Call and let her know her you love her. Tell her how much you can't wait to see her. Find out the things she enjoys in order to prepare for your evening together.



2. Text her. One affectionate line on her cell phone keeps you two connected, but don't overwhelm her.



3. Send her vacation ads. You may not be able to afford exotic vacations at this point in your life, but you can still dream and plan for them. Send your wife ads or pictures of travel destinations or vacations you one day hope to take. Go with beaches, islands and tropical resorts rather than theme parks or sporting events.



4. Eat a healthy meal. Kelly Rippa, from the Live with Regis and Kelly show, once said that her husband knew when he was going to get sex: It was those nights when she ordered a salad instead of a burger.



5. Start the music. Take your iPod to work with you. If your wife is techno savvy, she'll know you took the time to download those songs at work. Va-va-voom!



6. Apply lotions. This one comes with a warning: Skip it if she has allergies, and remember that using too much lotion means you'll smell it for days.



7. Lights candles. Candles are your next best friends after Post-it Notes. If your wife is insecure about her looks, use a votive in the far corner of the room.



8. Give her a backrub. A five-minute massage goes a long way to help your wife unwind.



9. Offer a foot massage. Nothing relaxes my wife more than relaxed feet.

WIVES, Here are a few ideas for becoming more creative lovers:

1. Pursue your man. The greatest turn-on for a man is to be pursued by his wife.



2. Dress or undress slowly. Get out of the closet. If you regularly tell your husband to turn away while you get your bra on, switch it up. Invite him to turn toward you as you get dressed.



3. Change locations. If you always have sex in the bedroom, consider experimenting in a different room of the house. Close the shades and add some natural excitement to your love life.



4. Burn the sweats. If you and your husband go to bed every night dressed head to toe, go to bed naked one night with no intention of having sex.



5. Take a shower. You may be thinking, We shower in the morning. But getting clean is not the goal of this shower. Turn on the water and be very careful.



6. Be predictably unpredictable. If you eventually settle on three or maybe four of the above-mentioned creative elements in your sex life, keep switching them. If your spouse never knows which one is coming, spice and anticipation will be added to the mix.

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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