Q: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 boys. We are almost at the point of divorce. We are so different and these differences are causing us to constantly be in strife. We have different views on everything. If I have a different opinion than my husband, he accuses me of never being in agreement with him and always fighting him. My husband is always giving me his mini sermons on how I am not measuring up. I ask him not to but then he says that I get offended too easily. I would like to go one day without him telling me what I am doing wrong. But of course, our problems are all my fault. I am emotionally detached and ready to give up. What do I need to do?

A: Conflict isn't fun—and it's rarely pretty. So it's no wonder most of us dislike it and try to avoid it whenever possible. And it's perfectly normal for us to want to avoid conflicts.

But conflict is inevitable. It's a natural part of all relationships, healthy or unhealthy. All relationships—with our teenagers, colleagues, friends, extended family, church acquaintances, or neighbors—will experience conflict because people differ so greatly as individuals. And we should value those differences! Because we're different in personality, gender, opinions, concerns, and expectations, it's only natural that we disagree.

So don't be alarmed as you begin to experience disputes and disagreements. Rather than worry about when and if conflict will occur, instead determine now how you will handle any conflict when it does crop up. Conflict is actually a valuable crossroads—a point of growth in your relationships. This may be a major paradigm shift for some, especially if you're been in the habit of avoiding conflict altogether. But we want you to see conflict as an opportunity to deepen your connection in your relationships, not as a threat that will damage them.

So the new goal is not to eliminate disagreements, but to reach the other side together, with a closer bond between you and the other person. Your relationship is changing, certainly; you can either use this time to grow together or grow apart. The way you handle the critical interactions and conflict will be a key tool in improving your relationship. It is possible to have a stronger relationship if you get a good handle on the conflict and learn to manage it rather than letting it control you.

Conflicts, if handled in a healthy manner, have the potential to draw you closer to each other. In fact, disagreements are a necessary part of the process of drawing near to loved ones! The best way to use conflicts is to agree ahead of time to always try to end up after a disagreement with a win-win solution. In other words, argue lovingly until you both understand each other and value each other's different opinions. Then spend a few minutes finding a solution that you both like. That is the best way to grow and draw closer in love with others in disputes.

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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