Q: My first husband had an affair, left me and married the other woman. This was devastating. I have recently started dating again, but fear I can never get over my trust issues. What insights can you give me before I consider remarriage?

A: Healing from the wounds of your first marriage is key to the success of your second marriage. Unlike your first marriage, where you brought lofty expectations into your marriage later to be shattered by betrayal, now you are bringing deflated expectations into your marriage. Your tendency will be to lower the expectations of your new husband and marriage.

Karen L. Maudlin, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in marriage and family therapy as well as a regular columnist for Christian Parenting Today. She writes:

Couples entering a second marriage are often seen as lugging too much baggage to make a success of their next go-round. This assumes, however, that people can come into any relationship without baggage, or a history that impacts the relationship—an assumption that is, of course, untrue. Childhood, previous relationships, even relationships with siblings and friends over the course of life all impact spouse selection and the relationship that ensues from there onward.

Second marriages are by nature more complicated and more at-risk for divorce than first marriages (over 60 percent divorce rate, compared to around 50 percent for first-time marriages). Yet it's also clear that remarriages need the same strong and consistent nurturing as first marriages. No matter what your stage of life or circumstance, with some extra TLC and effective communication, your second marriage can succeed.

Here are some key considerations for the expectations you bring into a second marriage:

• Do not rush a second marriage or even dating.
• When it comes to healing from a previous marriage, think in terms of years, not weeks or months.
• See a marriage counselor before you start dating again. Gain perspective from your marital history. Unmet expectations from the first marriage will resurface in the next marriage.
• Offer forgiveness to your previous spouse. Unresolved anger will resurface in your next marriage.
• Be honest. When you begin dating again, don't "sugar coat" the past. Share with one another your expectations, hopes and dreams.
• Don't beat yourself up on past mistakes. Focus on the future.

I pray for healing in your life! Blessings!

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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