Q: My husband and I are constantly fighting. It is impossible for me to let his little sarcastic, snide comments go. My tongue is every bit as sharp as his. The goal of our marriage is to see who can get in the last word. I'm done! Thoughts?

A: Fight your own attitude of retaliation instead of the other person.

From an early age, we learn about retaliation. If someone hits you, hit back. If someone says something mean, say something mean back. If someone makes you feel bad, make them feel worse. Along the way, we buy into the lie that if we can make someone else hurt worse than us than maybe we won't hurt as bad. In a marriage, you know your spouse few other people. You know their strengths and gifts, but you also know their weaknesses and soft spots. You know the areas where they're particularly tender or susceptible to being hurt. You know how to get to them, and they know how to get to you.

In His great love, Jesus forbids retaliation. Though it may feel good for a split-second, God knows that the damage to the other person and us can last a lifetime. God knows that whatever pain we may try to dole out, the pain we're left with will be far greater.

Resisting the urge to retaliate is not easy. Jesus never said it would come naturally or be easy to hold back. Sometimes biting your lip or turning the other cheek will be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do, but the good news is that you don't have to do it on your own. As you "rest" in the power of Christ being the Vine and you resting and waiting for the "sap" of His Spirit to flow His power and love and forgiveness within you, you will eventually find yourself actually wanting to care for the person who hurt you. Our natural human fleshly urge to retaliate is normal, I just confess my weakness of the human tendencies and wait for God's grace to empower me so that I want to love the offending person just like Jesus does. I continually picture my life "stuck" within Him the Vine and constantly waiting for evidence that His love has reached my heart as "fruit." The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace and all the other characteristics of Christ. I can't manufacture those qualities, I just wait for them to come out of me as I keep myself humble and aware that I am a "beggar." I am truly "poor in Spirit." I cannot under any human method make myself love like Christ does. But He gives love freely to the humble and that's my job, remain humble and dependent.

As God's love begins to saturate your soul, you aren't going after your spouse's weak spots. Instead of making the other person or the offense your object of anger, you can choose to take personal responsibility for what you are feeling and reacting to. If you have the power to stop trying to change your mate and work only on yourself, do it, but if not, wait for His love to flow through your branch and form the love fruit your spouse can enjoy.

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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