Q: If someone says they have forgiven me, what do I do when they keep holding it over my head?

A: Forgiveness is not just a one-time event. It is a process and too many Christians get this point confused.

We often hear, "If she forgave me, then she would be over this by now!"

This is not realistic. If we've done something extremely hurtful, and need to seek forgiveness, then we can't expect for the healing to happen immediately. Your loved one will not get over the hurt right away, it takes time. Just because you have earnestly sought forgiveness and forgiveness has been given does not mean that their will not be consequences for your actions.

In fact, depending on the severity of the hurt, we may never fully recover from the pain. This isn't to say that we will always be suffering day after day, but it does mean that the pain might show up periodically after years by some event that sparks the memory. The pain isn't as severe as when it first happened, but it still hurts.

I think back periodically on my first several years of marriage and am just sickened by the things I said to Norma. I don't ruminate over them, but again, sometimes they just pop up in my memory and I'm reminded about what a jerk I was at different points in our first year.

I think this is one way God helps us to keep humble. It's hard to be too over confident about our emotional or spiritual maturity when we remember how things "used" to be. The great news is that we can be encouraged that our pain only makes us better Christians.

Blessings!

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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