Q: My boyfriend and I have decided to marry. How long should we date before we get engaged/married?

A: One of my greatest encouragements for young couples is to take it slow. In Genesis 29, Jacob falls in love with Rachel. The Bible says he was smitten with this young lady. He committed to work for her father for seven years in order to be able to marry her. Jacob actually served 14 years, because Rachel's father pulled one over on him. Jacob first married the oldest daughter, Leah, and then served seven more years before he could marry Rachel. But the Bible says that the first seven years "seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her," so it can be safely assumed that the second seven years passed the same way.

I've seen a lot of marriages where the opposite is true. Instead of years feeling like days, days feel like years. That's often because people were in a rush to get married.

I encourage young adults to make mistakes while dating. Now hear me: I am not talking about making moral failures. I'm talking about learning and growing. Practice communication. Practice resolving conflict. Practice purity. Practice loving someone, even when they're unlovable. Some of the best relationship lessons are learned while dating.

When those lessons aren't learned, couples are put in a tough situation. I've had more than one couple come in for premarital counseling when they were almost done with the wedding plans; and as we talked through issues, it became apparent that the couple was not ready to get married. And I wasn't afraid to let them know that. They'll usually respond, "Are you kidding?! Do you know how much we have already spent for this thing?!" I tell them divorces are far more expensive than the $10,000 to $25,000 they'll spend on the wedding.

Spending money is not a reason to get married. It's better to reschedule or call it off. In the old days, people went to a pastor to seek permission to marry and see if they were ready. But now people just want their spiritual leader to conduct and bless the ceremony. Don't rush marriage. Time is your best friend. Don't treat it as the enemy. Time allows infatuation to fade. Time allows the warm fuzzies to get old. You're probably thinking that you don't want them to get old, but time buys you the opportunity to get sound biblical direction for your life and to discover whether this person is right or wrong for you.

Blessings!

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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