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Question of the Week
Week of 11/05/07
Q: I have heard you say before that one person can not be the source of ALL the marital strife. I do not agree. He is the problem. Interested in your thoughts.
A: Without even realizing it, many couples fall into something we like to call The Dance of the Lumberjacks. The dance is based on focusing at what your spouse is doing wrong. Matthew 7:5 gives us the key to putting the end to The Dance of the Lumberjacks when it instructs, "First take the plank out of your own eye then you will see clearly to remove the spec from your brother's eye."
The words "plank" and "log" illustrate the same idea. A spouse will walk around with a big log sticking out of their eye while the mate has a smaller piece of wood sticking of theirs. Round and round they go. The dance keeps repeating. How do you stop the dance? By creating judgment-free zones. You simply forget the speck of sawdust in your mate's eye and recognize the presence of a log in your own.
In fact, looking at the logs in your own eye before removing the speck from your mate's eye is highly critical to the wellbeing of your marriage. And the reason is quite simple: judgment destroys security. The mate who is always having his or her eyes examined for specks will have the sense of being under constant scrutiny. He or she will feel pressure to measure up in order to keep the love of the other. The message is, "If you want me to continue loving you, you'd better get rid of that irritating habit." This does not express unconditional love, and it's hardly the way to create security in a marriage. Security comes from knowing your mate will love you regardless of your flaws and shortcomings. Real love is unconditional.
That's why judgment-free zones are so important. They allow your spouse to be all that God created them to be. In a judgment-free zone, your spouse can share all their deepest insecurities. Judgment-free zones are one of the hallmarks of a secure marriage.
© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center
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