Q: I do not want my marriage to be like my parents'. My mom and dad never really liked each other, but they stayed married, I guess for the kids. I've only been married for a few years, but I fear the same, old, boring, frustrated marriage years down the road. I don't want that! How do we keep that from happening?

A: Being married for over forty years, I can tell you that a boring or frustrated marriage is totally and completely avoidable.

My friend, Dr. Scott Stanley, provides several ideas on how to recharge your marriage and stay committed to each other forever. We believe his ideas will help you finish strong. Consider these five agreements you can make to ensure your marriage lasts:

We agree to (increase) levels of intimacy whenever the other one so desires. We will do this by deeply listening to each other, not defending our own opinions, but striving to love, understand, and validate the other's feelings and needs.

We agree to highly value each other and consider each other as more important than anything else on earth, except our relationship with God. If gold could describe our honor for each other, we would each be married to a 24-carat person.

We agree to communicate with each other regularly. This will be accomplished by speaking to each other by sharing truthful loving information and listening carefully to understand and validate each other's uniqueness. Our preferred method of communication will be drive-through listening. Our everyday conversations will include the safety necessary to share opinions, concerns, and expectations.

We agree never to go to sleep at night without resolving our major differences or conflicts. We will forgive each other as needed. [Andy and Stephanie Watson treating the lamp like the sun]

We agree to find creative ways of meeting each other's deepest relational needs. As we each grow older and change, we will strive to stay current with our understanding of each other's needs and ways of meeting those needs.

In addition, we have some other recommendations for helping your marriage go the distance:

1. Spend an evening dreaming together! That's right spend an entire evening making a list of activities and adventures you'd like to experience with your spouse. If you could do anything and time and money were not factors, what would you want to do? What would your spouse want to do? Peel off the lid of reality for a few hours and dream big. Then look at the common themes and attributes of those dreams and desires. Do they include furthering education, travel, or outdoor activities? Which of them be mutually enriching? Are there any bite-sized pieces of the dreams that you can do in the next week, months or year? For example, if you spouse wants to sail around the world, is there a chance that he could volunteer at a local sailing club on the weekend? If you want to travel overseas, is there a place within your own state you haven't visited that has its own distinct culture or architecture? Pick several of the dreams and begin developing strategies to make them happen. When you dream together, you paint a rich picture of your lives together for years to come.



2. Develop a plan to keep your love alive. If you wait to feel the emotion of love, you may have to wait a long time. But if you make the decision to love and choose to love in countless little ways every day, love can't help but come alive in your heart! What steps can you take today to help keep your live? What can you do to become a better listen? A better communicator? Make a list of ways you'd like to improve for each other and look for opportunities to practice them.



3. Seek God together on a regular basis. When was the last time you prayed, really prayed, with your spouse? Make time to get together on a regular basis to share what you're reading and discovering in the Bible. Look for opportunities to pray together throughout the day—while you're riding in the car, taking a walk or simply sitting on the couch together.

Don't settle! Keep moving forward and nurture your marriage EVERYDAY!

Blessings!

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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