Q: I am a married lady in my sixties whose husband can no longer have sex. Even though seniors, we enjoyed a lovely, lively sex life for 46 years, and I still have the desire. Is female masturbation ever an acceptable substitute in the eyes of the Lord?

A: Masturbation is not an issue of what is going on with you physically—it's about what is going on in your mind.

Because the Bible offers no direct teaching on this subject, we must apply other biblical principles to help us prayerfully discern God's will for us. So, on the subject of masturbation, a couple should answer three questions:

First, is the masturbation associated with lust? This is really the key question. Ask yourself, Have I received God's freedom to not masturbate? Am I lusting, imagining sex with others, to satisfy my own sexual thrills? In other words, what level of freedom do you have today? You can be lusting on a number of levels. Pure lust is the desire to have something or someone that is not ours. It is possible for self-stimulation to be a mere physical response to a sexual urge without any thought of anyone, or to be an activity accompanied by images of being with one's spouse. In those situations, there is no lust associated with self-stimulation.

Second, has masturbation become an addiction or enslavement? A person controlled by masturbation is enslaved by or addicted to it. Many behaviors become sin when they enslave a person. In 1 Corinthians 6:12, Paul says, "'Everything is permissible for me'—but I will not be mastered by anything" (see also 1 Cor. 10:23-31).

Third, does the masturbation involve self-abuse? Occasionally, people who have been abused in the past may abuse themselves physically or emotionally when they masturbate. This is always wrong. Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and should be cared for and protected.

We should not be possessed, mastered or enslaved by our sexual drive. Nevertheless, the sexual drive that is in us is natural and God-given. Keeping these two facts in balance will help you and your spouse in this discussion.

My final and primary encouragement to you is to ask your husband to stimulate you sexually. From clitoral rubs to finding your G-spot, he can still satisfy you in this way. Your forty-six years of marriage has more than likely established the safety necessary for such a conversation.

I share the same encouragement to men who must abstain during and shortly after a pregnancy. To have your wife give you a release is the healthiest solution.

Blessings!

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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