Q: I am struggling with how to deal with negativity, a critical spirit, and unkindness in our son. He is twelve years old. I know I'm not handling it well. After reading some of your material I've decided I need to implement consequences to his behavior instead of me constantly "discussing" it with him. Is it appropriate to take away TV and computer rights when he is negative and critical, even when it isn't directly to a person? For example, talking about someone we know. It's a bad habit and we have extended family who behaves that way. I'm getting frustrated. Thanks for any help.

A: The dominant parent is one who is constantly correcting behavior and showing little to no love. The permissive parent errors on the side of love and leaves no room for correction. You do not want to go to extremes. The loving and firm parent is a healthy and balanced combination of the dominant and permissive parent.

Here are some typical statements and actions by loving and firm parents:

• "You're late again for dinner, Tiger. How can we work this out together?" (Parents spend time working out solutions with the child.)
• "Hey, I wish I could let you stay up later, but we agreed on this time. Remember what you're like the next day if you miss your sleep?"
• "When we both cool off, let's talk about what needs to be done."

Take a look at these typical characteristics of children who have loving and parents:

• The warm support and clearly defined limits tend to build self-respect within the child.
• His world is more secure when he realizes that there are limits which are unbending, and he understands why—the underlying principles.
• Because the spirit of a child is not closed, the lines of communication are open with parents. There is less chance of the "rebellious teen years."

The supportive and firm parent reflects the very specific biblical instruction for parenting. It stresses two important ways that parents must take care of their children. First, they must discipline their children, which partly means setting clearly defined limits in the home. Second, they must follow the greatest instruction in Scripture—to love one another.

Parenting is one of the most important jobs on the planet. Turn to the Lord and ask him to help you find the balance. My caution to you would be to not knee jerk in your reaction to your 12 year old. If you have been trying one thing for years and now you switch and become the sergeant, at this point that will just close his spirit. Be firm and loving.

Blessings!

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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