Q: My wife and I need help getting on the same page. With each step in this marriage it feels like we are going in opposite directions. We live in constant frustration towards each other. Please help.

A: (Part 1 of 4)

There's a lot of truth to the old adage that opposites attract. Because your personality is different from your spouse's you approach and respond to situations and people differently. That's why it's so important to understand personalities—not just your own, but also your spouse's. When you understand the way you're both wired, then you're less likely to cross wires and cause hurtful issues in your marriage!

Odds are that if you've been experiencing conflict or frustration in your marriage, it's a direct result of not understanding and appreciating how God made your spouse.

Since I do not know you're the personality types of you and your wife, I want to take the next several weeks to walk through each of the four main personality types and give you some tips for dealing with each personality. Make it your goal to discover your wife's personality, or personality blend, and find ways to appreciate the way she approaches life.

Let's start with the THE PRECISE PERSONALITY (also called the Beaver Personality)

The Precise Personality loves analyzing. They pay attention to statistics. They enjoy keeping a budget and balancing the check book. They love measuring and comparing things. For the precise personality, most issues are clearly black or white. The precise personality is constantly evaluating. They'll happily tell you what you've done wrong and how you can do it better.

The world is a better place because of Precise Personalities. They make sure that there's order in life. They make sure the guardrails are in place so people don't hurt each other. And precise personalities make sure organizations run effectively and efficiently.

My wife, Norma, has a precise personality. She naturally expects that we will always do things the right way at the right time. I love this about her—except for those moments when I go to the ATM and forget to grab the receipt. Or those moments when she schedules dinner with friends and I decide to replace the brakes on the car at the last minute—making us late! Or those moments when she carefully organizes the closet and I haphazardly throw my things in.

Years ago we were audited by the IRS for the first time and Norma got all excited. You know why? She was convinced that after all the scrutiny was done, they would award her a blue ribbon. I love that about her! Precise personalities tend to love order, structure and timeliness.

Norma doesn't like to admit this, but she is energized and excited after a two-hour phone call with American Airlines organizing our next trip. I really couldn't do ministry without her! Since I am the dreamer and Norma is the dream maker, we do function as a well oiled machine. Together we can accomplish so much more than we could do apart. But, it's important to add that it can take a few hours or days to start the machine with each new project we do together. We accept and honor each other's differences, but it can certainly become too slow for me getting started up. She wants to wait until all of the "ducks" are lined up. And who decides how many ducks are necessary in the first place…. Norma.

The Precise Personality has many strengths. They tend to be detailed, accurate, analytical, and sensitive. They are generally great with numbers; they are great with keeping your company, your organization, your church, your family on task.

• Let's do everything right and in order



• Let's be on time to appointments and family events



• Give me ALL the details in the conversation



• Don't lie about the facts (I just say I'm leaving out some details so that the story is more interesting.)

Now there are areas where you can get out of balance with this personality. You can become a perfectionist. Or become driven by doing everything so well that you never move forward on decisions creating "paralysis by analysis".

Tips to Getting Along with the Precise Personality: Recognize that they just want you to honor all of their questions. They want you to answer them in the most detail that you can. Honoring detail builds intimacy in a marriage with the precise personality. Going the extra mile to complete a project the "right" way says "I value you" to your mate.

Tips to Getting Along if you're the Precise Personality: Remember that you may have to move forward without having everything figured out perfectly. You may need to complete the project or household chore even though it's not perfect. Even when it feels uncomfortable, you need to risk or embrace adventure. Do not expect your spouse to share every detail of the day. And by all means, he or she is not lying when details get left unsaid. Stretch yourself by not taking yourself or life too seriously.

Next week we will look at THE PLEASER PERSONALITY (also known as the Golden Retriever)

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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