Q: My wife and I need help getting on the same page. With each step in this marriage it feels like we are going in opposite directions. We live in constant frustration towards each other. Please help.

A: (Part 2 of 4)

We are taking an entire month to answer the above question. The goal of this time is for you to discover your spouse's personality type and learn many ways to understand and appreciate him or her. I want to encourage you to go back and review Part 1 if you have not already done so.

This week we are looking at THE PLEASER PERSONALITY (also called the Golden Retriever)

The Pleaser Personality is warm and relational. They tend to be extremely loyal. They maintain a sense of calmness in the most stressful of situations and they have a knack for being natural peacemakers. The Pleaser Personality is often concerned with group dynamics and the atmosphere of the room. More than anything they want to make sure that everyone and everything is good.

The world is a better place because of Pleaser Personalities. They tend to be the ones who are the glue that hold people and organizations together. They are quick to welcome, serve, and embrace others. Without Pleaser Personalities, it would be hard to build a strong community.

My pastor's wife, Amy, exhibits many traits of the Pleaser Personality. She is a natural servant and loves people. She's warm, relational and impressively loyal. In addition, she is extremely sensitive to make sure everyone feels like they're a part of whatever we're doing.

Holidays and family are synonymous around the Cunningham home. Year after year, Amy rises to the occasion and overwhelms her family with her ability to make every person feel extra special. She knows how to throw great parties. Whether she entertains two or 20 people at a party, she always ends the night by asking this simple question: "Do you think everyone had a good time?" She wants to make sure bonding took place and everyone felt connected and special.

The theme of Amy's life is "let's do this together!" When it comes to a task, the Precise Personality will make sure the job gets done right and on time. The Pleaser Personality will not focus on the job as much as the relational aspect and making sure everyone is a part of the task. The Pleaser Personality wants everyone to feel part of the team.

• Let's do everything together
• Let's meet each other's needs
• Let's have plenty of conversations
• Let's stay in harmony

One of the struggles of the Pleaser Personality is that they can inadvertently wear their heart on their sleeve. Because they care so much about relationships, they can get emotionally involved. They usually need time to go home and mull things over and then will return asking, "What exactly did you mean by that?" The Pleaser Personality is so concerned with others, that they tend to second-guess their responses as well as others.

Tips to Getting Along with the Pleaser Personality: Be cautious of their feelings. They can be taken advantage of easily, so work at valuing their loyalty. If your spouse does not embrace all of your friends, it's not because they are bad people. They prefer to go deep with fewer people. Don't expect them to be a party mixer. Invite them to join you for dinner dates with associates rather than always going to the large group gatherings.

Tips to Getting Along if you're the Pleaser Personality: You must be careful not to wear your heart on your sleeve. People, including your mate, may take advantage of that. Release past hurt. Let your spouse off the hook for past mistakes. Learn to make decisions in the midst of uncertainty about what is best for everyone. Branch out and meet new people.

Next week we will look at THE PARTY PERSONALITY (also known as the Otter)

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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