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Question of the Week
Week of 07/28/08
Q: When is separating from your husband acceptable? Do you ever counsel couples to separate?
A: The short answer is yes, and I have counseled couples to separate. Here are some of the guidelines I use to help a couple determine if separation is permissible:
- Physical safety – If I sense that the tension in the marriage is to a point where things could get physical, I will not send the couple out of the counseling office together. I will send him to get a hotel, or to stay with family until he can get the help he needs.
- Physical abuse – If I am working with a couple and she or he shows signs of physical abuse, I move towards separation.
- Severe addiction – Whether is be drugs, alcohol, or sexual addiction if there is a spouse or children involved who could be harmed, then I move them to safety.
- Criminal behavior – If crimes are being committed against family members, then I move to immediate separation as well as seek help from authorities.
- Case-by-case – Every marriage has a unique set of circumstances. Seek counsel from a trusted counselor, pastor or church leader in making such a painful decision.
As you can tell, I save separation for the most severe situations. Serious disagreements, unmet expectations, and unresolved issues do not qualify in my book for moving out.
But here is a strong key, even for couples who have separated by moving to opposite rooms in the house, make a plan for reconciliation. I still believe God changes even the darkest of human hearts. Stay off your mate's case even during separation and pray for God to do his work. Only God can change a human heart.
Blessings to you as we pray for your marriage to be saved!
© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center
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