Q: I am newly married and do not want to offend my husband, but I am frustrated that he is now slacking in the things he use to do before we got married. I feel like this marriage is going downhill and I don't want to explode on him. How can I share my expectations and frustrations in a gentle way?

A: Start by making a list of the expectations that you brought to your marriage or that you still have for marriage. Then you need to answer three questions for each one:

• Do you need to change or adjust your expectation?
• Is your expectation fair and reasonable?
• If you express your expectation, will your spouse find it reasonable?

The key here is to address one expectation at a time. Rapid fire of a dozen unmet expectations tends to shut a person down or escalate an argument. What we find in our work with couples is that typically all expectations are clumped together and one grade is assigned. This is problematic. There is a reason you received a report card at school that was divided into math, reading, science, and physical education. You were graded on each individual class. Some of us did well in reading and writing but did poorly in math and science. Individual grades help us focus and place more energy where it needs to be directed without being overwhelmed. For example, when I was growing up I invested a ton of energy in math, but I was still never very good at it. It is the primary reason why I am not an accountant, CFO, or business manager today. After years of struggling grades in math, countless attempts by tutors, and extra homework, I still was not an "A" student in math. Thankfully, I had parents who understood this and they encouraged me to direct my energies into getting better in other areas.

Bottom line - your expectations about marriage each need their individual categories on your report card. Address them one at a time with your mate.

As you address each expectation individually you will be able to strike a balance between unreasonable expectations and unhealthy reality.

Also, as your prepare to share these with your husband you must also share the things that he is doing to exceed your expectations in other areas such as contributing the family's bottom line or doing household chores. I am convinced that it is our approach that gets us in trouble most of the time, not the content we share.

Blessings!

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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