According to Jeffrey Arnold, author of The Big Book on Small Groups, every group goes through three stages in the process of getting to know each other and learning to work together.

Which stage is your group in?

Stage 1: Exploration
(Unity at the expense of diversity)

Imagine you are ready to lead your own small group. It may be your first or your twenty-first. You find yourself sitting in a living room with eight people who want the small group to be a positive experience. At this point, each person will do what seems best to ensure the success of the group.

In the beginning, they will often push aside personal feelings, small differences, and personality clashes. They usually are content just to be a part of a group. If some are feeling tension, they keep it to themselves.

You will spend the first few weeks developing a group covenant and preparing to move forward. Like a newly married couple, your group will be flushed with early successes. You may even be basking in the glow of being a good small group leader.

This is the easiest stage, but for your group to grow, you must move to the next stage.

Stage 2: Transition
(Diversity at the expense of unity)

Many groups bog down in the exploration stage, contenting themselves with surface relationships. These groups often rely on a strong leader to keep them going. Unfortunately, discipleship does not occur when people are merely followers.

Those who are willing to deepen communication will move to step two. If step one represents the honeymoon stage, step two is the "Hey, stop squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle!" stage. Like a newly married couple just learning about their mate's faults, individuals in a small group will take issue with one another. Frustrations that have been pushed aside will come back in a rush, and differences will be accentuated.

As a leader, try to avoid the temptation to fix things in order to keep the atmosphere comfortable. Your group needs to go through this stage to grow. Just be prepared to facilitate the process as well as you can.

As a leader, you can help your group discover that everyone thinks differently. For example, someone may imply that you're raising your children incorrectly. Or a health enthusiast might think that people should eat more healthy foods. One man may be legalistic, while another pushes the edge of liberality. You can encourage your group members to appreciate the differences.

You can also help your group see that everyone has different beliefs that influence the way they relate to other group members. Some of these beliefs will be, in your estimation, totally incorrect. One woman may not believe that a particular book of the Bible belongs in the Bible. A man preoccupied with end times might believe that Jesus is coming in the year 2000. Someone who had a dramatic conversion might believe that everyone has to celebrate a "Christian birthday." Again, you can promote an attitude of love among group members. (Note: If a group member is advocating a position that is clearly unbiblical, remind the group that Scripture is the final authority.-Ed.)

Finally, you can help your group see that each person has a unique personality. One member might interrupt conversations. Someone else may have a wonderful disposition that naturally attracts everyone. Or perhaps a successful businessman thinks the group should be run the way he runs his company.

Like the married couple in our example, you will all wake up to the realization that this group relationship will involve either hard work or miserable coexistence. And one of the biggest lessons you will learn as a leader, if you are willing, is that it's impossible to change anyone but yourself.

If the group is willing to make every effort to understand and love each other, in spite of differences, your group can move to the next stage.

Stage 3: Action
(Unity alongside diversity)

When you are busy trying to convince others of their faults, they pull back and deny them. But when you allow people to be themselves, they are often the first ones to let their faults be known.

Your group can now focus on tasks. This doesn't mean they forget what they've learned through the first stages, only that they apply their knowledge to build others up in Christ.

Each new person who joins the group will require the group to adjust, but everyone feels secure in the structure of community they've built. In this environment, people can let down their guard. Adding periodic self-evaluation by the group will enhance your group's progress.

By God's grace many small groups should reach this stage and "take off." If everyone is willing to work within this open, honest, caring environment, they can enjoy the benefits of being affirmed as individuals while discovering the unity that Christ offers.

Adapted from The Big Book on Small Groups by Jeffrey Arnold (InterVarsity Press, 1992).

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

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