What's wrong with sweeping conflict under the carpet?

When my office door flew open and I saw my co-worker's face, I knew trouble was brewing. He leaned over my desk and told me I had violated a company policy. As this brother in Christ confronted me, he shook his fist and raised his voice. Suddenly, he turned and marched out.

What in the world? Part of me shook with rage at this injustice; another part of me feared doing anything about it. What was the Christlike response? The man's accusation was legitimate. But his method of confrontation had left me shaken. Was it worth talking to him about it?

If I left the situation unresolved, I knew it might surface again in an even uglier way. Rather than talk to him immediately, I chose to wait about an hour to release my own pent-up energy. After calling my wife and asking her to pray, I made an appointment to meet the man in his office.

We began to talk about what had happened that morning. As it turned out, my infraction of a company policy wasn't the real issue. Soon he was telling me about an offense that had occurred a year earlier. Rather than confront me, my co-worker had prayed about it. He thought he'd released it. But it was like a burr under a horse's saddle. All it took to make him rear up was the added weight of another offense.

After listening to his complaint, I asked him to forgive me. We prayed together, and our relationship has been strengthened since that day.

Although most of us try to avoid confrontation, there are two situations when confrontation is necessary—when someone has hurt or offended you, and when someone is displeasing God through his or her actions. In the first scenario, Mt. 18:15 gives some basic guidelines: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, then you have gained your brother." Of the second situation, Gal. 6:1 says, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted."

Although confrontation can mean a hostile opposition, it also means coming together, face to face, for a comparison or examination of behaviors, beliefs, or attitudes. Before confronting someone, here are some questions to ask yourself:

What is my motive?

Do I genuinely care about this person, or is he just getting on my nerves? In How to Say Hard Things the Easy Way, Richard Walters gives some correct motivations for confrontation—to help the other person grow; to show love for him; and to help him know himself better.

Thankfully, I have people around me who take the risk of confronting me when I'm unkind or just plain thoughtless, and their questions motivate me to consider how I treat others—family, co-workers, neighbors, and friends.

Recently, I was insensitive about how my closed door affected my staff. It increased my productivity but it also sent a message—"Leave me alone, I'm busy." In a properly motivated way, one of my staff made me aware of how my behavior could adversely affect others.

As others have confronted me about my speech or actions, I've matured. And their willingness to "love" me in this way has given me the motivation to gently confront others.

Am I certain God is directing me to confront?

Am I open to letting the Holy Spirit deal with the person without my help? Take some time and pray about the confrontation. If it concerns a serious offense, you may want to pray over a period of several days. On the other hand, maybe the person is just having a bad week. Is the offense sporadic or regular? You may want to overlook a one-time incident.

Have I examined my own life in the area I wish to confront?

My family can recount times when I've been so angry that I yelled and got red in the face. Thankfully, those incidents occur less frequently. But imagine my horror when I began to see my eight-year-old react in similar ways. Before I can talk with him about his inappropriate reactions, I have to consider my own.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" (Mt. 7:3-4). Before confronting someone else, do a little self-examination and begin taking whatever steps are necessary to deal with your own "plank."

Have I tried to understand the person's actions?

Years ago, my wife and I worked in Guatemala, Central America. We began to sense an unusual distance between John, one of the other missionaries, and myself. I got together with John and explained that I felt that our relationship was strained. Had I misread the situation, or was there a problem we needed to talk about?

"Yes, there is a problem," John began. He related an incident a month earlier when I had attempted to help him and his wife talk with their parents in the States via amateur radio. The radio conditions varied daily. Sometimes the contact worked; sometimes it didn't.

This time, I had tried for half an hour to contact the other ham operator. After calling a number of places and listening, I snapped off my radio and explained that it wasn't going to work. John and his wife were crushed. They had painstakingly set times and frequencies with the ham operator near their home.

Silently they had choked back the feeling that I hadn't tried hard enough. The result was "distance" in our working relationship. After John and I prayed together, our relationship was restored.

Have I won the right to confront?

Relationships are fragile. Just one harsh word can create an emotional chasm between you and someone else if you haven't built a solid relationship. When you have only a surface relationship with someone, you may not have the right to confront him or her. Instead, consider building a deeper relationship. As it grows, your need to confront may evaporate, or it may still be present. But now you've established your right to speak and your right to be heard.

Do I have my facts right?

For some time a woman on my staff had been arriving a half-hour late to work. Before confronting her about her tardiness, I discussed her work load and hours. My need to confront evaporated as I discovered she worked additional hours several days per week to make up the time.

When you need to check the facts, go to the person directly. Occasionally you may need to get information from a co-worker. In either case, try to phrase your questions as objectively as possible. You don't want to escalate a situation into a larger problem than necessary.

Have I planned what I'll say?

While some anger may be appropriate, don't use it as your main expression during confrontation. Proverbs 12:18 says, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

It's best to sit down and prepare a brief outline of your main points. Examine each point and make sure you're confronting in love. This process will help you stick to the subject and cover it completely.

Your tone of voice and the words you use are important. Practice using "I" statements and talk about specific feelings and events. "Last night I felt awful when you changed your plans to take me out and went bowling with the guys." A more threatening, accusative approach would be, "You were awful when you changed your plans at the last minute and went out with the guys instead of dinner with me." This is like pouring gasoline on a stack of newspapers and lighting a match.

Have I considered the consequences?

Play out the confrontation in your mind. Consider the best and worst possible results. If the person is unwilling to accept your help, could the confrontation permanently damage the relationship?

For years, Gary had worked on a relationship with his nephew Bill—despite the obvious dysfunctional nature of Bill's family. Bill handled most interactions with his children by yelling at them. His relationship with his wife Linda was rocky. When he and Linda planned to take in an attractive, high-school-age foster girl, Gary was deeply concerned. He prayed ahead of time, and carefully considered his words. But instead of listening to Gary, Bill and Linda severed their relationship with him.

Even if you do everything right, sometimes a person won't listen. You can't predict the outcome, but make sure you've carefully thought through the possibilities and are willing to take the risk.

What if confrontation is inevitable?

Confrontation should take place in private, without involving other people. But occasionally it may involve more than one person.

When you head toward the actual confrontation, make sure you consider the other person's schedule by requesting an appropriate time to meet. Actively listen and clearly express your own feelings in "I feel" statements.

In the days after a confrontation, you may feel twinges of awkwardness toward the other person. I certainly do. Nevertheless, seek to rebuild bridges through concern for the other person's well-being. Like depositing money in a savings account, confrontation is an investment in the future of your relationship.

Honesty and risk sometimes bring pain. But if we are to become like Christ, gentle listening and quiet confrontation may be a step in the right direction.

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

Print this page

E-mail this page

Bookmark this page

Back to top