If you're going to be invovled with small groups, you need to know what it takes to lead …

1. Be a place of genuine commitment. We live in a world that is starved for meaningful relationships. People live across the street from each other for years and never know each other's names. Co-workers are just a voice on a telephone line half a continent away. Aunts, uncles, and cousins are just names on a Christmas list.

People need commitment and a sense of community. They need to know they have a group of people who are dedicated to loving them, anxious to serve them, and willing to share the joys and sorrows of life with them. Your small group should be a place where people experience the joy of being committed to each other and the sense of community and belonging that results from that.

In building commitment and community one of the most difficult things to keep a handle on is how everyone is feeling about himself and the small group process. Some people are vocal enough to let you know exactly where they stand, but most are shy about expressing their feelings about being in the group.

It's good to remember that most people have ambivalent feelings about being in small groups. They are unsure if they'll fit in, if they have anything worth contributing, if they will be treated with respect and dignity, and if they are genuinely liked and appreciated by other group members. If those issues aren't recognized and addressed early on, members can dry up and blow away without ever giving a hint they were in trouble. When that happens, everyone loses. The group isn't as strong because it loses the input of a unique, valuable person, and the person misses a chance to build relationships, and strengthen his or her home.

People need to feel that they are a valuable part of the group. And while it is important for each person to make an effort to communicate value to the others, the leader can go a long way in setting the pace for that kind of appreciation and respect.

2. An attitude of servant-hood. In other words, focus on the needs of the group and not your own. In order to do this it is important to ask them questions to draw out their needs. For example, "What will make this a great group experience for you?" "What needs to happen to make this a '10' for you?" or "What are your expectations for the group?" Questions like these can get to the heart of what people "need" from the group.

3. A willingness to spend outside time with the group, especially with the men. Doing so is a tangible way of saying; "I care about you.

4. A commitment to consistently communicate love and appreciation to the group as a whole and each member individually. Doing so will earn you a place of affection and respect with them forever.

5. Taking advantage of opportunities to praise the group members' strengths, talents, and abilities in front of the others. In doing so, you model the very core of this program - HONOR.

6. Maintaining positive eye contact and good non-verbal communication with everyone in the room.

7. Making a conscious effort to include everyone in-group activities. This may take some gentle prodding on your part, but keep at it. It's good for the person and the group!

8. Know the difference between persuading and forcing. Simply stated: Persuasion is the art of positive, motivational influence that prompts another person to respond in a hoped-for manner. On the other hand, force is a dominant, negative motivational influence that compels another to comply with an insisted-upon response. It targets a person's weakness and uses fear and guilt to motivate. Remember! Persuasion tends to build unity; force can tear unity apart.

9. The appropriate use of humor. Remember two simple rules: (1) Be yourself, and use it to help effectively communicate key concepts to your group, not to simply entertain them. (2) Avoid using others' weaknesses or slips (like mispronunciations) to humor the group.

10. Modeling good listening skills. Many times, people say one thing but mean something totally different. Good listening skills not only hear what is said verbally, but listen to "why" something was said or "what" was truly meant by the spoken words.

11. Communicating in a clear, simple interesting way. This simply means to speak with enthusiasm and energy and to say things as simply and directly as possible. Any personal experiences, (i.e., "the time we had a flat tire in the middle of the Mojave desert … "), can help keep the group's interest and attention.

12. Emotional Word Pictures can be useful also. An Emotional Word Picture is a communication method that uses either an object or a story that simultaneously activates a person's emotions and intellect. And it causes a person to not just hear our words but experience them. In using these, concentrate on the emotion you want the people to feel and design your picture around one of their interests. For example, in trying to communicate how excited you are when you're with your wife, you might say, "Being with my wife is so exciting, it's like walking into the world's largest mall and realizing that the entire mall is having a half off sale!"

13. Using the Salt principle. Salt makes people thirsty, and the goal of this principle is to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your group can learn about each other's needs. Simply, it means to never communicate information you consider to be important without first creating a burning curiosity within the listener. For example, "This next concept is one of the most important things that I've learned. It has done more in my marital relationship than anything else." This type of statement forces others to thirst for the next concept you are referring to.

14. Using good discussion questions. A good question is one in which members discover truth for themselves. Therefore, don't ask questions that have one correct answer (e.g., "Is commitment important in a relationship?"). Furthermore, there are several different kinds of questions, each designed to elicit different information. Some of those types are:

• Information and opinion, such as, What do you think?
• Relational, such as, How do you feel?
• Experiential, such as, What was that like for you?
• Self disclosure, such as, What's a fear you have?
• Accountability, such as, How are you doing with your commitment to more fully honor each other?

In order to ask good questions, we encourage you to think about some of these rules:

• Practice good listening skills. Ask questions to draw out someone's discussion.
• Encourage questions but stay focused on the theme. Postpone questions that don't apply to the session.
• Promote application to the principles. "How are things going with this area?"
• Promote transparency by being transparent as a leader.
• Promote the safety of trust and support. The group must support being confidential about personal areas.
• Be personal and caring. People respond to genuine caring.
• Encourage honesty but discourage a harsh spirit. Truth can be overwhelming if it is not shared in a genuine loving spirit.
• Look for ways to encourage each participant in their own personal growth.

15. An awareness of the different levels of communication and how they affect intimacy. There are several different kinds of communication, such as (1) Cliché conversation, "The weather has been hot hasn't it?" (2) Information and facts, "I'm going with a new firm next month." Or (3) Ideas and opinions, "I dislike what's going on with the homeless in our community." A simple rule of thumb here is that the greater the degree of risks in what's shared the greater the potential for intimacy to develop.

16. Transparency This can be a fearful thing for any leader, but the payoff is well worth it. As one veteran of small groups has put it, What I lost in impressiveness, I gained double in approachability. With permission from your mate before the meeting, share your appropriate failures and struggles. The bottom line is don't hesitate to use your own stories. People get far more from a story than they do from content. The best is when you use a story to convey content.

17. A respect for and sensitivity to each group member. Regardless of his or her background or faults, each person is valuable and has a unique contribution to make to the group.

18. Providing equal support and encouragement to each group member. Favoritism can hinder the group's ability to function. Be careful to be as impartial with each person as you can. Remember also that most positive change takes place in others' lives when they are encouraged, not discouraged or criticized.

19. Enthusiasm People love to follow someone who's excited about what he does. Allow the group to see your passion for helping them make their families a success, and watch your group take off.

20. An ability to keep the group on schedule. There's a real art to this, because every group gets off track some time and there's nothing wrong with that. If you control things too rigidly, your group can become frustrated they're not being allowed to express themselves.

21. An ability to keep discussions on the central subject while still allowing room for some digression. Some guidelines to follow are:

• Don't allow more talkative members of the group to ramble. Don't be afraid to interrupt and carry on.
• Permit those who are not as talkative more latitude in getting off the subject. What you lose in temporary continuity you gain in their long-term input and involvement.
• Diffuse argumentation. If an argument or disagreement starts, don't allow it to continue. If you can reconcile the problem quickly, do so. Otherwise, defer it until after the session is over and meet with the parties involved.
• Use steer 'em back questions like, That's an interesting point, Jim. Let's get back, though, to what we were saying a moment ago.

22. Faithfulness to your commitment. Almost nothing speaks as loudly to a group as its leader's integrity. Remember that they will see the covenant you sign and will be watching to see if you follow through.

*Discipleship Journal

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

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