"You're the one who needs to change."

Adam and Eve were caught in sin. They had just eaten from the forbidden tree. When God entered the garden, neither of them would take personal responsibility. Adam shifted the blame to Eve and God by saying, "This woman you gave me." Eve shifted the blame to Satan. This is where the "blame game" got started.

When we stop blaming others for our shortcomings, we diffuse anger and resolve conflicts.

We encourage you to resist making "you" statements such as, "You're the one who needs to change," "You should have warned me that our marriage was in trouble," "You're not the same man I married," and "You weren't submissive enough," as reasons for your behavior. These "you" statements are deadly to a relationship, and they seldom improve your situation. Avoid using these types of blaming statements. I have found that you can not change another person, it's impossible. You can only change yourself with the power of God living within you. You might be able to influence a change in someone else, but your focus should be on the areas of your own life that need improvement. You influence people to change the most by first letting them see a change in you.

Using a statement such as, "You were just too sensitive," stirs up more anger. As this happens, the blaming backfires and exposes your resistance to improve or change. When you experience the urge to blame, remember King Solomon's wise words: "A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered" (Proverbs 17:27).

When conflict raises its ugly head in your relationships, where do you place blame? Your spouse? Kids? Boss? Job? Church? Money?

What steps could you take to accept personal responsibility in your life?

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

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