Let me be so bold as to say that every person on the planet wrestles with some core fear. And that includes you. You may not like to hear that. You may be contradicting me already, "But, Gary, I'm not afraid of anything. I feel perfectly safe in my home. I'm not afraid of other people." That's good, but that isn't the kind of fear I'm talking about. I mean things like fear of failure or fear of not being loved or fear of being alone.

If you think about it, this shouldn't be so surprising. Fear is as old as the Garden of Eden. In the beginning, Adam and Eve enjoyed a perfect and satisfying relationship with God and with one another. But the moment they disregarded God's instructions and chose instead to follow the serpent's advice, fear took over. It spoiled their relationship to God and to each other. And we have been feeling its destructive effects ever since.

So what are those fears? We have found that most women have a core fear related to disconnection—they fear not being heard, not being valued, somehow losing the love of another. Most men, on the other hand, have a core fear of helplessness or feeling controlled—they fear failure or getting stepped on. Some version of these two core fears seems to exist in everyone, to some degree.

Here are some more common core fears:

1. Helpless, powerless, impotent, or controlled
2. Rejected, as if people are closing me out of their lives
3. Abandoned or left behind, as in divorce
4. Disconnected from others or alone
5. Feel like a failure
6. Unloved, as if no one could love me
7. Defective, as if something is wrong with me, as if I'm the problem
8. Inadequate, as if I just don't measure up to others like I should

What is your core fear? It's very important to know because it is behind most angry escalated arguments. When you understand your own core fears, you stop asking others quit pushing your core fear and start letting God change you. Remember, mature love casts out all fears. I John 4:18

Recommended Resources:

Buy The DNA of Relationships

Buy DNA of Relationships Study Guide

Buy The Marriage You've Always Dreamed Of

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

Print this page

E-mail this page

Bookmark this page

Back to top