Picture yourself in a rowboat, gliding down the river with your friend or coworker or spouse. Suddenly an argument erupts. You see a shotgun resting in the bottom of the boat, and to make your point, you seize the gun and start blowing holes in the bottom of your little vessel.

You might get your point across—but what happens to the boat? It sinks. And who's in the boat? Your partner … and you. What a fine time you'll have, celebrating your "victory" all the way to the bottom of the river!

Remember this: In any kind of significant relationship, you can't win unless the other person also wins. So in your own best interest, you have to make sure that he or she wins. For exactly the same reason, the other person has to make sure that you win. The only alternative is that you both lose.

When you choose to enter into a significant relationship with another person, you're also choosing to become a member of a team. All relationships involve choice. You can choose whether that team is going to succeed or fail. You decide whether it brings you pain or delight. It's your choice.

In the 1988 Olympics, the powerful U.S. men's volleyball team made it to the semifinals. One of its players, Paul Samuelson, cursed at a referee during a game. Judges assessed the U.S. team one penalty point, ultimately costing the Americans the game and a chance at a gold medal.

The next day the U.S. team returned to the arena to play for the bronze medal. As the team took the court, observers noticed that many of its members had shaved their heads. The spectators wondered why. Was it for improved aerodynamics? Was it to somehow spite the judges? Was it to make a fashion statement? No. The players did it for one simple reason: They had a bald teammate named Paul Samuelson. Through their unusual hairstyle choice they were telling the world, "Paul may have been wrong, but he is still our friend. He blew it, but he is still part of our team."

Members of a team win together, or they lose together. Partners in a relationship experience exactly the same thing—except that in relationships you choose every day whether you will win or lose.

What will you choose?

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

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