Do you ever find yourself in the position of wanting to change people? You tell yourself, "If this person would change, then things sure would be a lot better."

It doesn't help a relationship—not in the least—to focus on all the "stuff" you think the other person needs to change. On the other hand, it's enormously useful to address what you are doing, to look at your own reactions, and to ponder your own fears and emotions. It does help when you do your own personal work.

"When my wife and I get into something," says one of my coworkers, "I have the ability to go off by myself and start thinking, Okay. When I reacted that way, I wonder where that was coming from? That's very productive. It's a waste of time, however, to talk about the other person's reactions."

Remember this: when your buttons get pushed, they're yours, and you are responsible for them. How much more productive it is when they can honestly say, "Wait a moment! These are my buttons. It's my job to understand where that came from, what that's about, and to control my reaction when my buttons get pushed."

Conflict is resolved much quicker when we focus on changing ourselves rather than others.

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

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